The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer at the Bat (1992)

Harry Shearer: Lenny, Umpire, Eddie, Waylon Smithers, Montgomery Burns, Hypnotist, Dr. Hibbert, Announcer

Quotes 

• Mr. Burns : Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?

  Smithers : Yes, sir.

  Mr. Burns : Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?

  Smithers : No, sir. Who would you like killed?

• [Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win] 

  Hypnotist : You are all very good players.

  Players : [chanting in unison]  We are all very good players.

  Hypnotist : You will beat Shelbyville.

  Players : [chanting in unison]  We will beat Shelbyville.

  Hypnotist : You will give one hundred and ten percent.

  Players : [chanting in unison]  That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

• [to his softball team] 

  Mr. Burns : All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

• [Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville] 

  Mr. Burns : I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...

  Smithers : Uh, sir?

  Mr. Burns : What is it, Smithers?

  Smithers : I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

• Dr. Hibbert : [Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated]  Mike, try to lift your arm.

  Mike Scioscia : [struggling to lift his left arm]  Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.

  Dr. Hibbert : It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.

  Mike Scioscia : Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?

  Dr. Hibbert : [laughs]  No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.

  Mike Scioscia : [struggling to move his head]  Oh, man.

  Nurse : [bursting into room]  Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!

  [Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair] 

  Dr. Hibbert : [shocked]  Good Lord! Gigantism!

• Jose Canseco : So I'll get $50,000 to play one game?

  Waylon Smithers : That's right, Mr. Canseco.

  Jose Canseco : Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.

• [Homer unveils the Wonder Bat to Lenny and Carl. They are less than impressed] 

  Lenny : Yeah, well, I've got a magic bat, too!

  Carl : And I got an enchanted jock strap!

• Smithers : What are you going to do with your million dollars, sir?

  Mr. Burns : Oh, I don't know; throw it in the pile, I suppose.

• [Mr. Burns is pinch hitting Homer for Strawberry] 

  Mr. Burns : Alright, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. If I tug the bill of my cap like so...

  Homer Simpson : Yeah?

  Mr. Burns : ...it means the signal is a fake.

  Homer Simpson : Uh-huh.

  Mr. Burns : However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly.

  Homer Simpson : Got it.

  Mr. Burns : If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice. If I tug this ear...

  [keeps going as Homer tunes out] 

  Homer Simpson : [thinking]  Uh-oh. I don't understand a word he's sayin'. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm... potato chips...

  Mr. Burns : Got that, Simpson?

  Mr. Burns : Yes, sir!

• Mr. Burns : [Seeing Don Mattingly shaved the middle of his head off]  Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good!

  Don Mattingly : Fine.

  [Under his breath] 

  Don Mattingly : I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

• Mr. Burns : What about Clemens?

  Smithers : Sir, he's in no condition to play.

  [Clemens flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken] 

  Mr. Burns : That damned hypnotist!

  [to hypnotist] 

  Mr. Burns : You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

• Mr. Burns : Mattingly i thought i told you to trim those sideburns that's it go home you are off the team for good.