- Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
- Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
- Barney: Lord Palmerston!
- Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
- Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
- [punches him out]
- Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
- [disbelieving]
- Moe: Pitt the Elder...
- Barney: Lord Palmerston!
- [punches him out]
- [Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win]
- Hypnotist: You are all very good players.
- Players: [chanting in unison] We are all very good players.
- Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.
- Players: [chanting in unison] We will beat Shelbyville.
- Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent.
- Players: [chanting in unison] That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
- [to his softball team]
- Mr. Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!
- Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry!
- Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
- Homer Simpson: You play right field.
- Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
- Homer Simpson: I play right field too.
- Darryl Strawberry: So?
- Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me?
- Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.
- [Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]
- Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
- Smithers: Uh, sir?
- Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
- Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.
- [Darryl Strawberry is playing Homer's position]
- Lisa Simpson: You stink, Strawberry! We want Home Run Homer!
- Bart Simpson: Daaarrryl... Daaarrryl...
- Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: [in unison, with Maggie silently joining in] Daaarrryl! Daaarrryl!
- Marge Simpson: Children, that's not very nice.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, they're professional athletes; they're used to this sort of thing! It rolls right off their backs.
- [a sad-looking Strawberry wipes away a single tear and sniffles]
- Dr. Hibbert: [Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated] Mike, try to lift your arm.
- Mike Scioscia: [struggling to lift his left arm] Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.
- Dr. Hibbert: It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.
- Mike Scioscia: Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?
- Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.
- Mike Scioscia: [struggling to move his head] Oh, man.
- Nurse: [bursting into room] Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!
- [Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair]
- Dr. Hibbert: [shocked] Good Lord! Gigantism!
- Ken Griffey Jr.: [after tasting brain tonic for the first time] Wow. It feels like a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited.
- Jose Canseco: So I'll get $50,000 to play one game?
- Waylon Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
- Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.
- Homer Simpson: Where do you think you're going?
- Lisa Simpson: To the game.
- Homer Simpson: No, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt!
- Bart Simpson: We've seen it, Dad.
- Homer Simpson: Hey Clemens, did I make the team?
- Roger Clemens: You sure did.
- Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
- Roger Clemens: Wait a minute. Are you Ken Griffey Jr.?
- Homer Simpson: No.
- Roger Clemens: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.
- [Marge is filming Homer sitting in the dugout at a softball game. Homer starts to scratch his crotch]
- Marge Simpson: Oh, dear.
- [points the camera at her feet]
- Marge Simpson: Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself.
- [long pause]
- Marge Simpson: Kids...?
- Bart Simpson: We'll tell you, Mom.
- [in flashback]
- Homer Simpson: [narrating] It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm, when I'd locked myself out of the house. Sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal, I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find!
- [a lightning bolt strikes a branch off the tree, which falls to the ground beside Homer. The area broken off from the tree is red-hot due to the lighting]
- Homer Simpson: Something told me this was a very special, very magical piece of wood that I could make a bat out of. I put my homemade football on hold...
- [in the garage, he pushes aside a misshapen, patchwork "ball" off the workbench with the branch]
- Homer Simpson: And set to work making the world's greatest bat!
- [a montage shows Homer carving the wood, sawing an end off with a saw, hammering nails into it, and using a blowtorch on it. Marge enters, wearing her nightgown]
- Marge Simpson: Homie, come to bed!
- [cut to the bedroom, where Marge is awoken by Homer continuing to carve the wood]
- Marge Simpson: Homer, go back to the garage.
- [Marge is recording Homer's first game on a camcorder, and is "commentating" as a Springfield Police player is batting]
- Marge Simpson: And the next man wants to hit the ball, too.
- [batter hits the ball; crowd cheers]
- Marge Simpson: And he does.
- [batter runs across the bases]
- Marge Simpson: And there he goes, off in that direction. And everyone is happy.
- Bart Simpson: Uh, mom, why don't you let me call the game?
- Marge Simpson: It's alright dear, I can do it.
- [Mr. Burns is pinch hitting Homer for Strawberry]
- Mr. Burns: Alright, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. If I tug the bill of my cap like so...
- Homer Simpson: Yeah?
- Mr. Burns: ...it means the signal is a fake.
- Homer Simpson: Uh-huh.
- Mr. Burns: However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly.
- Homer Simpson: Got it.
- Mr. Burns: If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice. If I tug this ear...
- [keeps going as Homer tunes out]
- Homer Simpson: [thinking] Uh-oh. I don't understand a word he's sayin'. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm... potato chips...
- Mr. Burns: Got that, Simpson?
- Mr. Burns: Yes, sir!
- Mr. Burns: [Seeing Don Mattingly shaved the middle of his head off] Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good!
- Don Mattingly: Fine.
- [Under his breath]
- Don Mattingly: I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
- Mike Scioscia: Whoa, this really beats the pressure of playing big league ball, there if you make a mistake, and "boom" the media is all over you.
- Mr. Burns: Mattingly i thought i told you to trim those sideburns that's it go home you are off the team for good.