The Simpsons (TV Series)

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation (2002)

Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Lou, Male Cab Driver, Disco Stu, Chief Wiggum, Professor Frink, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, El Salvadorean

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mick Jagger : Welcome to Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp, where you'll experience the complete rock n' roll lifestyle, without the lawsuits and STDs.

  Homer : Whoo! STDs!

  Keith Richards : Now, you're all here for one reason.

  Homer : To rock!

  Keith Richards : [accusingly]  Who said that?

  [Homer quickly points at Otto] 

  Keith Richards : That's right, Otto. We're here to rock!

  Mick Jagger : So, get a good night's sleep, and remember, rule number one, there are no rules.

  [cheers] 

  Mick Jagger : Rule number two, no outside food.

  Chief Wiggum : [disappointed groans]  Aw, what a gyp.

• Taxi Driver : [on TV show "Taxicab Conversations"]  Where to, pal?

  Homer : [drunk]  Talky thing, ain't ya?

  Lisa : [watching show]  Another proud moment for the Simpson family.

• Tom Petty : Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt...

  Homer : Boring!

  Tom Petty : Will you stop saying that?

  Homer : But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.

  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : And girls that have legs and know how to use them.

  Otto : A-And why I can't drive 55.

  Tom Petty : You just want mindless generic rock?

  Homer : Precisely.

• Homer : How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie?

  Taxi Driver : Little of both. You got a family?

  Homer : Oh, yeah. Wife and two or three kids. Can't imagine my life without 'em.

  Marge : [watching on TV]  Oh, you big fooler. Pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.

  Homer : [chuckling nervously]  Yeah, I'm pretty great.

  [his taxi conversation continues] 

  Homer : At the end of a hard day, there's no better feeling than coming home to the people that you love.

  Marge : Oh, Homie.

  Lisa : That is so sweet.

  Bart Simpson : I had no idea, Dad. I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know...

  Homer : That my family isn't the center of my universe? Are you nuts?

  [on TV] 

  Homer : Then there's those other days where you just wish you never got married or had kids. One minute, you're a carefree teenager, with dreams of being a rock star or a photographer for Playboy... then bam, some babe gets her claws in you...

  Marge : Huh?

  Homer : ...and boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love. So, whammo, you get stuck in some boring job where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women. And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat and kiss your dreams goodbye.

  [he passes out and starts snoring] 

  Homer : [watching with the family]  Aw, I can't believe they took "Monkey Trauma Center" off for this.

• Homer : All right, time for my favorite show.

  'Monkey Trauma Center' Announcer : "MTC: Monkey Trauma Center" will not be seen tonight...

  Homer : [disappointed]  Aw.

  'Monkey Trauma Center' Announcer : ...so we may proudly present this much cheaper show.

  Taxicab Conversations Announcer : [sultry voice]  "Taxicab Conversations."

  Lisa : Hey, I read about this show in "Teen Modern Maturity". They film passengers with hidden cameras and catch them at their most uninhibited.

  Marge : That explains that.

  Female Cab Driver : [leaving a nightclub, Disco Stu gets in her cab]  Looks like somebody got down tonight.

  Disco Stu : Disco Stu always gets down, baby. 'Cause when the beat is hot, the...

  [sighing] 

  Disco Stu : Hey, can you keep a secret?

  Female Cab Driver : What is it, hon?

  Disco Stu : [dropping his act]  I hate disco. It's all I've talked about for so long that people think I'm a one-note guy. It's just getting harder, you know?

  Lisa : I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.

• Homer : [drunk]  I'm out of here.

  Moe Szyslak : Hey, we can't let our friend drive like this. I'm liable here.

  [following Homer outside] 

  Moe Szyslak : Get his keys.

  Homer : [playing keep-away]  Hey, you want my keys?

  [throwing them into a sewer grate] 

  Homer : Get 'em now, jerks.

  [laughing, he gets into his car] 

  Homer : So long, jerks.

  [laughing again, he makes the sounds of the car's engine rumbling] 

  Homer : [adjusting the rear-view mirror]  Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this.

  [sounds of tires squealing] 

  Moe Szyslak : Oh, that's it.

  [he pulls Homer out, and Lenny and Carl put him in the back of a taxi] 

  Taxi Driver : Where to, pal?

  Homer : Moe's Tavern.

• Homer : Hi, Moe. Got any beer?

  Moe Szyslak : Sure. Check in the fridge.

  [Homer takes a beer from a mini-fridge behind the bar] 

  Moe Szyslak : Wait a minute, I'm at work.

  [taking it away] 

  Moe Szyslak : You gotta pay for it.

  Homer : [taking out his wallet]  What the...? Where's my money?

  Marge : [voiceover as he reads a note]  Dear Homie, had to buy diapers for Maggie. Love, Marge.

  Homer : Wha...?

  Marge : Simpson.

  Homer : Oh.

  Lisa : [he takes out another note]  Dear Dad, took money for the school book fair. Love, Lisa.

  Bart Simpson : [and another]  Homer, I need cash or they're gonna break my legs.

  Moe Szyslak : [putting the beer away]  Sorry, Homer.

  Homer : So you're just gonna let me walk out of here sober?

  Moe Szyslak : I'm afraid so.

  Homer : And you can live with that?

  Moe Szyslak : Ya-huh.

  Homer : Fine. There are plenty of other ways for me to alter my consciousness.

• Lenny Kravitz : The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.

  Homer : Like this, Mr. Kravitz?

  Lenny Kravitz : [seeing him in an identical outfit, with his beer belly spilling out of his shirt]  God, no.

  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : May we talk about, uh, accentuating the... masculine area?

  Lenny Kravitz : Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do it. Kenny Loggins does.

  Kenny Loggins : [outside]  I trusted you!

  [he runs away sobbing] 

• Carl : You wouldn't serve Homer just 'cause he didn't have money?

  Lenny : What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.

  Moe Szyslak : Ah, yeah. I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamor.

  [on the countertop, a rat nibbles on a pretzel] 

  Homer : [entering, wasted]  Well, Moe.

  Moe Szyslak : Homer, I'm so sorry. Have a free beer.

  Homer : Oh.

  [taking a sip] 

  Homer : Uh, I don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny. You're my friend.

  Lenny : Man, I've never seen anybody get loaded so fast.

  Moe Szyslak : Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards?

  Homer : Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You...

  Carl : Hey, I'm worried.

  Homer : I've had just about enough of you.

  Carl : [shaking his fist as Homer shoves him]  Oh, yeah?

  Homer : Uh-uh.

  [showing him a pin that reads "Be nice to me. I gave blood."] 

  Carl : Ah, rats.