The Simpsons (TV Series)

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (2000)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marge : I thought you said the law was powerless.

  Chief Wiggum : Yeah, powerless to *help* you, not punish you.

• Becky : I hope we didn't scare you, Marge. Bart's just filming a music video for his class project.

  Lisa : And I'm directing the "making-of" video.

  Marge : Oh... well, then, I guess there's a reasonable explanation for everything, except you cutting my brakes.

  Homer : Oh, about that. Uh, when I changed your oil, I may have drained your brake fluid. I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you'd be mad.

• Marge : This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house!

• Marge : Don't mess with me, I've got jimmies!

• Psychologist #2 : Excuse me, what are you doing?

  Marge : Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.

  Psychologist #2 : I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?

  Marge : Oh, yes, he's kind of everywhere.

  Psychologist #1 : Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly...

  Marge : I'm not insane!

  Psychologist #1 : You didn't let me finish. - insane!

  Marge : [jumps out the window in panic then gets up like nothing happened]  I'm not insane.

• [Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge] 

  Bart : Hey, why don't you stay with us?

  Marge : Bart, remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house?

  Homer : Remember that talk *we* had about you not wrecking people's weddings?

• Marge : Shut up, Becky!

• Marge : Oh my, I've been so unfair to Becky. Maybe I am insane. I mean, I am talking to myself.

  Hans Moleman : [sadly]  You are? Oh, I thought I made a friend.

• Marge : She's so helpful, and everyone loves her. And, well, this may sound crazy, but I think my family likes Becky more than me.

  Patty Bouvier : I wouldn't worry about that.

  Marge : Really?

  Selma Bouvier : Yeah, you're gonna be dead in a week, anyway.

  Marge : Dead in a week? What are you talking about?

  Patty Bouvier : Look, honey, never let an attractive woman into your house. All they ever do is usurp your family and then kill you.

  Selma Bouvier : Like that documentary, "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle."

  Marge : That was a movie.

  Selma Bouvier : Look, all we know is she's going to shoot you or stab you or boil you.

  Patty Bouvier : Or club you with an antique wooden doll.

  Selma Bouvier : Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one.

  Patty Bouvier : Oh, but first, she's going to seduce your husband.

  Marge : [worried]  Becky's going to seduce Homer?

  Patty Bouvier , Selma Bouvier : [shuddering]  Ugh.

  Patty Bouvier : It's an act of violence, not love.

• Marge : Ooh, we're "cordially invited", this Saturday, to join Otto and Becky at... 742 Evergreen Terrace? That's our address.

  Bart : I told Otto he could have the wedding here. Hope that's okay.

  Marge : You should have asked first, Bart. Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars.

  Bart : Hey, it'll be easy. You've still got most of the stuff from Apu's wedding back there.

  [with a trumpet of its trunk, an elephant wanders around] 

  Marge : All right, Otto can get married here, but, Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.

  [outside the window, Santa's Litle Helper whines as the elephant picks him up in its trunk] 

• Bart : [eating dinner]  Mom, this gravy tastes better than God's sweat.

  Marge : Thanks to our own spice girl, Becky.

  Lisa : Well, Mom, you really brought out the mung in these beans.

  Marge : Actually, that was Becky, too.

  Homer : What are these things in the mashed potatoes?

  Becky : That's the skins. I left them on.

  Marge : Well, nobody's perfect. Let me just pick those out.

  Homer : [covering his plate protectively]  No!

  [eating more, lustfully] 

  Homer : Oh, Becky. Your potatoes are the best I've ever had. Oh, God.

• Marge : Let's see. Candles, flowers, place cards, rice...

  Lisa : Oh, Mom, you're not supposed to throw rice anymore. Birds eat it, their stomachs swell, and they explode.

  Bart : Why am I just learning this now?

  [grabbing a box of rice and his video camera, he runs outside] 

• Marge : [Becky finishes putting on her wedding dress]  Oh, Becky, you look beautiful. I thought you might want to see this bridal magazine. It's got 900 tips for the perfect marriage. All "don'ts."

  Becky : Oh, we'll be fine. Otto's got a clean police record and he doesn't do any needle drugs.

  Marge : Well, the real key, according to sexperts, is mutual interests.

  Becky : No prob. We like all the same things. Except...

  Marge : Mm-hmm?

  Becky : Don't tell Otto, but I'm not into heavy metal, and he loves it. He refers to our lovemaking as the headbanger's ball.

  Marge : Oh, you can fix little defects like that with gentle nagging. Make it part of the background noise of your relationship. That's how I polished Homer into the perfect...

  [looking out the window, she sees Homer with his tongue stuck to a block of ice shaped like a heart] 

  Marge : Homer! No! That's ice!

• Lisa : We're jamming, Mom. She's painting my music, and I'm playing to her painting. Isn't it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house?

  Marge : Yes. Well, I guess I'll go roll the socks. It's not hip, but it has to be done.

  Becky : Actually, you could just tie them at the ends. That way, the elastic doesn't wear out.

  Marge : Yes, I hate when things get worn out. Mmm. Socks, welcomes...

• Marge : Now, Lisa's going through this phase where she doesn't eat any meat. So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.

  Becky : Wow, you're a real-life Martha Stewart. I mean, without the evil.

• Homer : [stabbing his fingers with a knife]  Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

  Marge : No knife games on the kitchen table.

  Homer : I didn't hit your precious table.

• Marge : Stop kicking my baby!

  Becky : Oh, it's cool. We're just putting some Jackie Chan moves into Bart's video project.

  Bart : Yeah, Mom, I need something great. Milhouse has footage of himself falling down the stairs.

  Marge : Well, no kicking. It's too dangerous.

  Becky : Marge, chill out. I have great control. See?

  [she demonstrates] 

  Marge : That's very impressive, but I still don't...

  [Becky continues kicking at her] 

  Marge : Stop that!

• Becky : You expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad?

  Marge : Let me talk to Otto.

  Becky : Oh, that's okay. I guess this is sort of... our song.

  Marge : Well, it doesn't have to be. Otto's just going to have to decide what's more important, his heavy metal or you.

  [a few minutes later, Otto drives off with the band in his bus] 

  Marge : Becky, what have I done here? I'm so sorry.

  Homer : [whispering]  In about 15 minutes, I'd take off that wedding dress or you're gonna look crazy.

• Selma Bouvier : Always a bridesmaid. Only occasionally a bride.

  Patty Bouvier : Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men.

  Lisa : They're pigs?

  Patty Bouvier : The bitterness is strong in this one.

• Chief Wiggum : I don't know, Simpson. How do I know you didn't cut your own brakes?

  Marge : Why would I do that?

  Chief Wiggum : I don't know.

  [straightening his tie] 

  Chief Wiggum : Get some attention from a handsome police officer?

  Marge : That's crazy!

  [Wiggum sighs in disappointment] 

  Marge : Look, I know I don't have any proof, but this woman is trying to kill me.

  Chief Wiggum : Ah, fine. Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here. The law is powerless to help you.

  Marge : Do I have to be dead before you'll help me?

  Chief Wiggum : Well, not dead, dying. No, no, no, don't walk away. Wait, how about this? Just show me the knife. In your back. Not too deep, but, uh, it should be able to stand by itself.

• Marge : Becky, I want to apologize to you...

  [entering the family room, she sees a scene out of a horror movie, with Becky about to stab Homer, Lisa chained to the wall, and Maggie locked in a cage] 

  Marge : ...surper!

  [kicking the knife out of Becky's hands] 

  Marge : Hyah!

  [choking her] 

  Marge : Why, you little...!

  Bart : Cut! Cut! Mom, it's great to have you back, but you walked right into my shot.

• Psychologist #2 : Now, Marge, according to this, you recently went berserk in an ice cream parlor.

  Marge : Yes.

  Psychologist #2 : And, Marge, did you ever have an unhealthy fixation on Ringo Starr?

  Marge : It was healthy. He reciprocated.

  [they start taking notes] 

  Marge : He reciprocated!

• Marge : Becky, I'm so sorry I accused you of trying to kill me and steal my family.

  Becky : Hey, no biggie. I was trying to steal your family. I even thought of a good place to bury you. But then I didn't have a shovel, so I went to the hardware store and they have six different kinds, and I was like, "Later."

  Marge : Well, that's a relief, too, knowing I'm not crazy. So, I guess everything really worked out for the...

  Bart : [three darts are shot into her neck, and she falls to the ground]  Mom!

  Homer : [seeing it's the mental hospital psychologist and two orderlies]  You monsters! You killed her!

  Marge : [getting to her feet]  No, they didn't.

  Psychologist #1 : Good Lord! We put enough tranquilizers in there to take down Jonathan Winters.

  Marge : Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now. Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage. And, Homer, since you're dressed for it, I got some "S&M" for ya, scrubbing and mopping.

  [as she laughs, another dart is shot into her neck] 

  Homer : [handing the blowgun back]  Thank you.

• Homer : [Becky announces she's moving out]  Becky, I think I speak for all of us when I say... when's the ice cream gonna get here?

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [thunder crashes and the lights go dark]  And God say gather ye two of every flavor, anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it... "The Ark".

  [a canoe-sized bowl of ice cream is carried out to their table; panting in excitement, Homer's face falls into it] 

  Becky : Homer!

  Bart : Relax, he's gorging.

  [waiting for Homer to move] 

  Bart : Okay, maybe not.

  Becky : [pulling him out]  We've got to save him!

  [she starts mouth-to-mouth resuscitation; coming in and misunderstanding the context, Marge screams] 

  Marge : Usurper! Usurper! Usurper!

• Marge : [at the Springfield Library]  Now, let's find out who this Becky really is.

  [she gasps coming across a large headline reading "Local Girl Kills"; below it in a smaller font is "Competition in Talent Contest"] 

  Marge : Oh...

  [she gasps again coming across another headline reading "Usurper Foiled Again"; below it is the subtitle "By Becky"] 

  Marge : Hmm. I really should read the whole headline before I react.

• Becky : [tasting Marge's gravy]  Mmm, yummers.

  Marge : Nobody's ever called my gravy yummers before.