The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (1997)

Hank Azaria: Oakley, Meyer, Roy, Doug, Comic Book Guy, 'Uh, in episode...', Moe Szyslak, Carl

Quotes 

• Doug : In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

  Homer : I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

  [embarrassed pause] 

  Doug : I withdraw my question.

  [starts eating a candy bar] 

• Comic Book Guy : Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

  Bart Simpson : Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?

  Comic Book Guy : As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.

  Bart Simpson : What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

  Comic Book Guy : Worst episode ever.

• George Meyer : Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?

  [backpedaling] 

  George Meyer : Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.

  [pause] 

  George Meyer : I'm fired, aren't I?

• Milhouse Van Houten : [the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing]  When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?

  [Milhouse starts whimpering] 

  Moe : Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?

  Moe : [to Marge]  Midge, help me out here.

  Homer : Quiet. You're missing the jokes.

• Doug : [wearing a T-shirt that says "Genius at Work"]  Hi. A question for Miss Bellamy. In episode 2F09 when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

  June Bellamy : Uh, well...

  Homer : I'll field this one.

  Homer : [to Doug]  Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

  [pause] 

  Doug : I withdraw my question.

  [takes a bite from a bar of chocolate] 

  Database : Uh, excuse me, Mr Simpson. On the Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?

  Homer : What the hell are you talking about?

  June Bellamy : You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.

  Comic Book Guy : [clears throat]  Your attention, please.

  Man : [everyone is still paying attention to June Bellamy & Homer]  Uh, in episode...

  Comic Book Guy : [interrupting]  EH, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! Mr Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting.

  [points to someone off-screen] 

  Comic Book Guy : I'm talking to you, Mr Cutter.

• Nelson Muntz : [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends]  That stunk.

  Homer : Well, what did everybody think?

  [everyone starts leaving in disgust] 

  Ned Flanders : Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.

  Carl : Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.

  Homer : [to the rest of the Simpson family]  So it was pretty okay, huh?

  Bart Simpson : Mom, can we go to bed without dinner

  Marge Simpson : Yes, we can.

  [Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs] 

• Comic Book Guy : Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.