- Apu: Homer, you've got to help me!
- Homer Simpson: Okay. Seems to me...
- [clears throat]
- Homer Simpson: What you oughta do is, um...
- Apu: What? What? What? What? What?
- Homer Simpson: Well, you could always move into my house and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.
- Apu: Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
- Homer Simpson: It's you.
- Homer Simpson: You know what you could do, Apu?
- Apu: Yeah, shut up.
- Homer Simpson: You could fake your own death.
- Apu: Oh, would you shut up?
- Homer Simpson: All you need is a car bomb and...
- Apu: I can't believe you don't shut up!
- Homer Simpson: Hey, Dad! I've come to spend time with my favorite father.
- Grampa Simpson: Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
- Homer Simpson: You're already in a home.
- Grampa Simpson: Oh, how could you?
- Homer Simpson: But, you can't leave. We're scammin' an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out.
- Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I've been plannin' this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads.
- Moe Szyslak: With the what now?
- Homer: Marge, promise me you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to apreciate it.
- [At Apu's wedding]
- Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.