- Lisa Simpson: Aw, thanks for reading me the corrections. It makes me feel better about my own family.
- Artie Ziff: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
- Lisa Simpson: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory... It consumes him.
- Homer Simpson: [Spooky music starts] That's it! It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children, but quite another for him to play my theremin!
- Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all me "screw you" money.
- Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, Willie.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you!
- Homer Simpson: Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail. Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group. I'm the fat one.