The Simpsons (TV Series)

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (1995)

Harry Shearer: Kent Brockman, Cable TV Announcer, Reverend Lovejoy, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers

Photos 

Quotes 

• Smithers : Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

  Mr. Burns : Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /

  [singing] 

  Mr. Burns : Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...

  Mrs. Potts : Kill two for matching clogs.

  Mr. Burns : See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.

  Smithers : I gathered, yeah...

  Lisa : He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!

  Bart : [still humming the tune]  Na na na na na na naa naaaa...

  Lisa : Bart!

  Bart : Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

• Mr. Burns : Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.

  Lisa : But they're ours, you stole them from us!

  [Burns gives her a cell phone] 

  Mr. Burns : Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.

  [Lisa dials 9-1...] 

  Mr. Burns : [snatches it back]  Give me that!

• Lisa : [trying to give the puppies away]  They don't like being broken up.

  Marge Simpson : We've got to be realistic, kids. Who's going to have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies?

  Mr. Burns : [chuckling]  And I know the little fellows will love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets.

  Homer Simpson : Who wouldn't?

  Lisa : [quietly]  Mom, don't give the puppies to him. He'll be mean to them.

  Marge Simpson : Hmm. She's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust.

  Homer Simpson : [Burns laughs evily]  Uh... I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but you can't have these dogs.

  [flinching] 

  Homer Simpson : Am I fired?

  Mr. Burns : Hmm? Oh, of course not. They're your pets. You can do as you wish.

  [leaving with Smithers] 

  Mr. Burns : Good day, everyone.

  Marge Simpson : My, he certainly took that well.

  Homer Simpson : A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies.

  Mr. Burns : [stealing the puppies behind their backs]  There you go. There you go. You, too.

  Smithers : Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

• Kent Brockman : Welcome to the 6:00 news in our brand-new studio. Looking good, Springfield.

  [as he gives them the "OK" hand gesture, the crowd outside shouts and waves] 

  Kent Brockman : In today's news, a two-ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo, but zoo officials were quick to act, and Petunia, as she is known, is safely back in captivity.

  [a rhino rampages through the crowd outside] 

  Kent Brockman : [oblivious]  In other news, a three-ton rhino that escaped from the zoo last week is still at large.

• Cable TV Announcer : Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.

  Chief Wiggum : [in bed, checking]  Well, I'll be damned.

• Reverend Lovejoy : Oh, just lovely, Marge. The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was. How nothing at all went wrong.

  Army Sergeant : Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm gonna forget that you were mistakenly let out of the army a month early.

  IRS Regional Director : I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's no need for that audit.

  IRS Regional Director , Army Sergeant , Reverend Lovejoy : [standing and raising their glases]  A toast to the Simpsons.

  Army Sergeant : And to the delectable turkey...

  [it begins to roll around of its own accord] 

  Army Sergeant : ...that's walking around the table?

  Reverend Lovejoy : Dear Lord, it's a demon bird!

  [it cracks open, revealing two of the puppies inside; retching into their napkins, the guests all leave, then poke their heads back in one by one] 

  Army Sergeant : SimpSON! See you at reveille 0500 tomorrow.

  IRS Regional Director : See you at the IRS.

  Reverend Lovejoy : See you in hell! From heaven.