The Simpsons (TV Series)

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (1995)

Yeardley Smith: Lisa Simpson

Quotes 

• Lisa : What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?

  Marge Simpson : Uh-oh.

  Bart : It looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it!

• Smithers : Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

  Mr. Burns : Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /

  [singing] 

  Mr. Burns : Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...

  Mrs. Potts : Kill two for matching clogs.

  Mr. Burns : See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.

  Smithers : I gathered, yeah...

  Lisa : He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!

  Bart : [still humming the tune]  Na na na na na na naa naaaa...

  Lisa : Bart!

  Bart : Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

• Mr. Burns : Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.

  Lisa : But they're ours, you stole them from us!

  [Burns gives her a cell phone] 

  Mr. Burns : Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.

  [Lisa dials 9-1...] 

  Mr. Burns : [snatches it back]  Give me that!

• [a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard] 

  Lisa : [gasp]  My bongo drums!

  Bart : My strobe light!

  Homer Simpson : My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!

  Marge Simpson : Yes... the dog.

• Lisa : [trying to give the puppies away]  They don't like being broken up.

  Marge Simpson : We've got to be realistic, kids. Who's going to have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies?

  Mr. Burns : [chuckling]  And I know the little fellows will love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets.

  Homer Simpson : Who wouldn't?

  Lisa : [quietly]  Mom, don't give the puppies to him. He'll be mean to them.

  Marge Simpson : Hmm. She's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust.

  Homer Simpson : [Burns laughs evily]  Uh... I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but you can't have these dogs.

  [flinching] 

  Homer Simpson : Am I fired?

  Mr. Burns : Hmm? Oh, of course not. They're your pets. You can do as you wish.

  [leaving with Smithers] 

  Mr. Burns : Good day, everyone.

  Marge Simpson : My, he certainly took that well.

  Homer Simpson : A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies.

  Mr. Burns : [stealing the puppies behind their backs]  There you go. There you go. You, too.

  Smithers : Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

• Marge Simpson : All right, who broke my vase?

  Lisa : Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them up?

  Homer Simpson : Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance to?

  Bart : Oh, please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

  Lisa : [Santa's Little Helper leaps in with a pillow in his mouth and shakes the filling out]  If it wasn't you, then who was it?

  Marge Simpson : [SLH chases after Snowball the cat with a kitchen knife in his mouth]  Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now did they?

  Homer Simpson : [frightened]  Did they?

• Marge Simpson : [after Santa's Little Helper humps a female dog]  I think they're in love.

  Homer Simpson : [the crowd "awws"]  Aw! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

  Lisa : Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, mom?

  Bart : Please?

  Marge Simpson : But she's not our dog.

  Texan : [giving Homer the leash]  She's yours now. Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.

  Marge Simpson : Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?

  Texan : [guffawing]  Lady, you're all right.

• Lisa : Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar?

  Marge Simpson : [wearing one, too]  Oh, it's just easier this way.

• Bart : Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend!

  Marge Simpson : Oh, my god! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat.

  Lisa : Look! It's twins!

  Homer Simpson : No, it's two sets of twins.

  Bart : Two sets of twins and a triplet.

  Marge Simpson : Homer! Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.

• Homer Simpson : Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.

  Bart , Lisa : NOOOOO!

  Homer Simpson : Mainly your mother.

  Lisa : Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

  Grampa Simpson : [at the Retirement Castle, he picks up a silent phone receiver]  Hello? Is anybody there?

  [hanging up, dejected] 

  Grampa Simpson : Aw...