- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: [B.J. saves him from a surfing wipe-out] I thought I was a goner. Thank god you came.
- B.J. Cummings: I'm lucky. I always come at the right moment.
- B.J. Cummings: Cool necklace. Who's that?
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: That's the Virgin Mary.
- B.J. Cummings: What a co-inky-dink. I'm the virgin B.J.
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: My name's Jason. How can I ever thank you?
- B.J. Cummings: You could give me my gum back.
- Porcelain Bidet: Can I leave early today?
- Kimberlee Clark: Oh, what is it now, Porcelain? A massage? Your nails? Working a bachelor party?
- Porcelain Bidet: I happen to have a business meeting. For a movie. That I wrote myself. Starring myself.
- [pleadingly to Notch]
- Porcelain Bidet: Please, Notchie!
- Kimberlee Clark: Uh, "Notchie"? We're about to have 700 people on the beach today. I think we need every lifeguard on duty.
- Notch Johnson: Oh, sorry, Porcelain. Kimberlee won't let me get you off.
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: Let me unzip. I have something I want to show you.
- B.J. Cummings: [he takes off his wetsuit, revealing his priest collar] Okay, the coast is clear.
- [glancing at his privates]
- B.J. Cummings: Where's Mr. Winkie?
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: B.J., I'm a priest. My name's Father Dudikoff. But my friends call me Father Dude. I'm also the man that heard your confession.
- B.J. Cummings: You mean... I got down on my knees for you?
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: B.J., it's obvious that we have feelings for each other, but unfortunately, I've already given myself to the man upstairs.
- B.J. Cummings: So you're a homo-queer.
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: No, you must be thinking of Father O'Reilly.
- Kimberlee Clark: Cleo Taurus is behind this whole war. She had Biggy shot to increase his record sales.
- Jamaica St. Croix: But why would Cleo Taurus wanna cap my man Busta?
- Kimberlee Clark: Busta used to record for Cavity Search Records, so she benefits from his increase in sales, as well.
- Cleo Taurus: You're pretty smart for an educated white girl.
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: [getting shot in a gang war] The Virgin Mary saved my life. Maybe that's the Lord's way of telling me not to leave the priesthood.
- B.J. Cummings: Does that mean we're not going to constipate our relationship?
- Jason Dudikoff, Father Dude: I'm afraid not, B.J. But don't worry. You'll meet somebody someday.
- Notch Johnson: And in the meantime, you two kids can still have phone sex.