- Captain James T. Kirk: Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim.
- Elaan: Captain, that ancient Earth custom called spanking. What is it?
- Captain James T. Kirk: It's, er. It's, er. We'll talk about it later.
- Elaan: You are warned, Captain, never to touch me again!
- Captain James T. Kirk: If I touch you again, Your Glory, it'll be to administer an ancient Earth custom called a spanking, a form of punishment administered to spoiled brats!
- Mr. Spock: The antidote to a woman of Elas, Doctor, is a starship. The Enterprise infected the captain long before the Dohlman did.
- Captain James T. Kirk: [after the ambassador's friendly overtures to Elaan have been rebuffed] You're as bad as she is. It's not required that you like each other; just do your job.
- Ambassador Petri: The job - the job is impossible. We cannot make peace with people we detest.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Stop trying to kill each other, then worry about being friendly.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Your Glory doesn't seem to be responding to instruction.
- Elaan: I will never forgive the council for putting me through this torture! Were you responding to my demand for better quarters?
- Captain James T. Kirk: There are none better. I suggest you make do with these.
- Elaan: You SUGGEST?
- [She grabs a pillow angrily]
- Captain James T. Kirk: There are no more available, but if that's the only way you can get gratification, I'll arrange to have the whole room filled from floor to ceiling with breakable objects.
- Elaan: I will not be humiliated!
- Captain James T. Kirk: Then act in a civilized fashion.
- Elaan: I did not give you permission to leave!
- Captain James T. Kirk: I didn't ask for any.
- Elaan: [screams while pounding a pillow in frustration] OOOOOOH!
- [Kirk walks out]
- Ambassador Petri: [in corridor] Captain, I wish to contact my government. I cannot fulfill my mission. It would be an insult to our ruler to bring this incorrigible monster as a bride!
- Captain James T. Kirk: Ambassador! AMBASSADOR! This is supposed to be a peaceful mission.
- Ambassador Petri: There cannot be peace between us. We have deluded ourselves! Captain, when I am near them, I do not want peace; I want to KILL them!
- Nurse Christine Chapel: Ambassador, if Elasian women are that vicious, why are men so overwhelmingly attracted to them? I mean, what magic do they possess?
- Ambassador Petri: It's not magic, it's biochemical. A man whose flesh is once touched by the tears of a woman of Elas has his heart enslaved forever.
- Guard #1: No one may enter the Dohlman's presence.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Will you tell Her Glory that Captain Kirk requests the honor of a visit?
- Guard #1: The Dohlman has promised that I will be whipped to death if I let Captain Kirk pass through that door.
- Captain James T. Kirk: The Federation High Commissioner will be attending the wedding.
- Dr. McCoy: Oh, the fat will be in the fire when he learns the bride just tried to murder the groom's ambassador.
- Elaan: You will return me to Elas immediately.
- Captain James T. Kirk: That's impossible.
- Elaan: Everything I order is possible.
- Dr. McCoy: Now listen, Jim. Petri told Christine that the Elasian women have a sort of a biochemical substance in their tears that acts like a super love potion. And according to him, it doesn't wear off.
- Ambassador Petri: If I recover, it will be no thanks to you, Captain.
- Captain James T. Kirk: I said talk with her, not fight with her.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Well, we're still faced with the same problem.
- Elaan: Problem?
- Captain James T. Kirk: Yes, the problem of your indoctrination to Troyian customs and manners.
- Elaan: I have eliminated that problem.
- Captain James T. Kirk: You've eliminated the teacher; the problem still remains.
- Elaan: Remember me.
- Captain James T. Kirk: I have no choice.
- Elaan: [crying] Nor have I. I have only responsibilities and... obligations.
- Elaan: [chuckles] Tell me, what can you teach me?
- Captain James T. Kirk: Table manners, for one thing!
- Elaan: Captain, there is one thing you can teach me.
- Captain James T. Kirk: No, no, you were right the first time: there's nothing I can teach you; there's nothing you do not know.
- Elaan: I don't know how to make people like me.
- Elaan: You dare touch a member of the royal family?
- Captain James T. Kirk: Only in self-defence. Now, are you gonna behave or not?
- Mr. Spock: But why do the Klingons consider the possession of this system so vital?
- Captain James T. Kirk: Yes, a very good question, Mr. Spock.
- Mr. Spock: I have another question, Captain. Is not the bridge the wrong place for the Dohlman at a time like this?
- Captain James T. Kirk: Nobody's told you that you're an uncivilized savage, a vicious child in a woman's body, an arrogant monster!
- [Elaan slaps Kirk; he slaps her back]
- Captain James T. Kirk: That's no way to treat someone who's telling you the truth.
- Elaan: [throwing slippers at Petri] Swine! Take back your gifts!
- Ambassador Petri: Your Glory, these are your wedding slippers.
- Elaan: Your ruler cannot buy the favors of the Dohlman of Elas.
- Ambassador Petri: [holding up dress] This... this is your wedding dress, a gift from the bridegroom's mother.
- Elaan: I want nothing of his!
- Ambassador Petri: This... this is the most prized of royal jewels
- [through clenched teeth]
- Ambassador Petri: for your lovely neck.
- Elaan: I would strangle if I was to put the gift of a Troyian dog around my neck!