- Eve McHuron: Oh, the sound of male ego. You travel half way across the galaxy and it's still the same song.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Don't you think you could possibly, by accident, arrange to leave me behind here? On this planet, that would be punishment enough.
- Captain James T. Kirk: I can't do that, Harry, but I will appear as a character witness at your trial, if you think that'll help.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: They'll throw away the key.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: [to Spock] You're part Vulcanian, aren't you?
- [Spock doesn't answer, just hums]
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Ah, well, then a pretty face doesn't affect you at all, does it - uh, that is not unless you want it to? You can save it, girls. This type can turn himself off from any emotion.
- Mr. Spock: State your name for the record.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Leo Francis Walsh.
- Computer Voice: Incorrect.
- Mr. Spock: Your correct name.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Gentlemen, surely you're not going to take the word of a soulless mechanical device over that of a real, flesh and blood man?
- Mr. Spock: State your correct name for the record.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Harry Mudd.
- Computer Voice: Incorrect.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
- Mr. Spock: Any past offenses, Mr. Mudd?
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Of course not. Gentlemen, I'm simply an honest businessman.
- Computer Voice: Incorrect.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Blast that tin-plated pot.
- Captain James T. Kirk: [referring to the women] Is this your crew, Captain?
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Well, no, Captain. This is me cargo.
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: Are you wearing some unusual kind of perfume or something radioactive, my dear?
- Ruth Bonaventure: No, I'm just me.
- Ben Childress: And what the devil happened to your looks anyway?
- Eve McHuron: I got tired of you. I slumped.
- Mr. Spock: I'm happy the affair is over. A most annoying emotional episode.
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: [points at his chest] Smack right in the old heart. Oh, I'm sorry.
- [points at his spleen]
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: In your case, it would be about here.
- Mr. Spock: The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, Doctor, pleases me no end.
- Eve McHuron: You'll never find them, Harry. And if you do find them, you know what they are - a cheat. If you'd care for someone, really care...
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: For whom, Evie? For Kirk? You find out ship's captains are already married, girl - to their vessels. You find that out the first time he came between him and the ship. You'll see.
- Eve McHuron: Is this the kind of wife you want, Ben? Not someone to help you. Not a wife to cook, sew, cry and need, but THIS kind - selfish, vain, useless. Is this what you really want? All right then, here it is.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Bridge to transporter room. How many did we get off?
- Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: [staring at Mudd's women] Oh. Erm... Four in all, sir.
- Captain James T. Kirk: If the captain that vessel can walk, I want him in my cabin immediately. Correction, I want him there whether he can walk or not. Kirk out.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: That fellow sounded a mite upset, didn't he?
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: [staring at Mudd's women] Yes... yes they are.
- Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: We've got trouble, Mr. Spock.
- Mr. Spock: I am well aware of that, Mr. Scott.
- Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: One lithium crystal left and that with a hairline split at the base.
- Ruth Bonaventure: [Harry Mudd, and the 3 women, are in his quarters, and the drug's starting to wear off; the women are reverting. Ruth, the 'other' blonde, with the short bob, turns to face Harry, and in her thick, German accent says] Giff us de pillls!
- Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: But it's frustrating. Almost a million gross tons of vessel depending on a hunk a' crystal the size of my fist.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Destination and purpose of journey?
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Planet Ophiucus III, wiving settlers.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Come again, Mr. Mudd? You do what?
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: I recruit wives for settlers. A difficult but satisfying task.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Computer, go to sensor probe. Any unusual readings?
- Computer Voice: No decipherable reading on females. However, unusual reading on male board members. Detecting high respiration patterns, perspiration rates up, heartbeat rapid, blood pressure higher than normal.
- Captain James T. Kirk: That's sufficent. Strike that from the record, Mr Spock.
- Eve McHuron: We've got men willing to be our husbands waiting for us and you're taking us in the opposite direction. Staring at us like we were Saturnus harem girls or something.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: That's enough, Evie.
- Captain James T. Kirk: The only charges are against Mr. Mudd: Illegal operation of a vessel.
- [to Harry Mudd]
- Captain James T. Kirk: Do you have any defense to offer?
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Only heaven's own truth; which I have just given you.
- Eve McHuron: I read once a commander has to act like a paragon of virtue. I never met a paragon.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Neither have I.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: I do hate to see you suffering such a situation, Captain; but, truth is truth, and the sad fact is - you WILL deal. Sooner or later, you'll have to.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: Don't you think you could by possibly, mm, by accident, arrange to leave me behind here? On this planet, that would be punishment enough.
- Captain James T. Kirk: I can't do that, Harry. But I will appear as a character witness at your trial, if you think that will help.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd aka Leo Walsh: [Mournfully] They'll throw away the key.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Well, come on, you're the doctor. What is it? Is it that we're tired and they're beautiful... and they are INCREDIBLY beautiful.
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: Are they, Jim? Are they actually more lovely, pound for pound, measurement per measurement, than any other women you've known, or is it that they just... well, ACT beautiful? No, strike that. Strike that.
- Captain James T. Kirk: What are they, Bones?
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: You mean are they alien illusions? That sort of thing?
- Captain James T. Kirk: I asked you first.
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: No. An alien smart enough to pull this would be smart enough to keep my medical scanner from going "BLEEP."
- Captain James T. Kirk: I don't follow you.
- Lt. Cmdr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: I don't either.
- [last lines]
- Starfleet Officer: Out of orbit, Sir.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Ahead, full.
- Starfleet Officer: Ahead, full, Sir.
- [first lines]
- Captain James T. Kirk: Captain's log: Stardate 1329.8. The USS Enterprise in pursuit of an unidentified vessel.