- London: Moseby, I'm not going to let you stop. Like you didn't let me stop when you were teaching me the Alphabet.
- Mr. Moseby: But that took 14 years!
- London: And now I know my ABD's.
- Cody Martin: [grabbing the other walkie-talkie] We are dealing with an evil genius.
- Maddie: Hmm, what's this?
- [picks up a rose with a card attached]
- Maddie: "To Maddie, you make me wish I was a better person. Love, Randall."
- [pauses]
- Maddie: Aww, that is so sweet.
- Zack Martin: I can't believe I'm losing you to a younger man!
- Zack Martin: You'll be surprised to see how this father to be has corralled these young suckers.
- [they turn the corner to see Cody bound and gagged]
- Maddie: [taking the gag off Cody] How could you let this happen?
- Cody Martin: Well, the blonde one tripped me and the rest is a blur.
- Johnny: Do you like coloring?
- Cody Martin: I sure do, little one! In the first grade, I won a free ice cream sundae for my work on the "Enchanted Pony Island Coloring Book"!
- Johnny: You're weird.
- Zack Martin: He's got you pegged.
- [boy kicks Cody's shin]
- Cody Martin: Ow! Little boy, don't you know it's not nice to kick people in the shin?
- [boy steps on his foot]
- Cody Martin: Ow! Look, Kid, I know Santa, and someone just made the Naughty List!
- Johnny: I'm Jewish.
- Cody Martin: [referring to Zack] Everone has more armpit hair than him
- Zack Martin: They're blonde and hard to see!
- Randall: Yeah, all two of them!
- [he and Cody laugh]
- Randall: I bet I have more armpit hair than you!
- Cody Martin: Everybody has more armpit hair than Zack.
- Zack Martin: They're blonde, and hard to see!
- Randall: Yeah, all two of 'em!
- Zack Martin: Did I ever tell you how pretty you looked when you're angry?
- Maddie: Well I must look gorgeous right now because I'm furious!
- Cody Martin: Zack, don't just stand there! Do something!
- Emily: [to Zack] You're not my mommy! I want my mommy!
- Zack Martin: Cody, I think she wants you.
- Maddie: Hey, Esteban! Cute baby.
- Esteban: Thanks.
- Maddie: Where are the little kids! I put you in charge!
- Esteban: But Mr. Moseby put me in charge of everything else. Don't worry. Zack and Cody have everything under control.
- Zack Martin: [Randall rides the luggage cart while Zack chases after him] Get back here, young man!
- Randall: Not gonna happen, old man!
- Randall: [rides past Maddie] I'll be back for you, my love!
- Esteban: Where are the little-er people?
- Zack Martin: We're playing hide-and-seek.
- Cody Martin: And we lose.
- Zack Martin: What do you mean?
- Cody Martin: They're gone!
- Zack Martin: Don't worry, Esteban. Taking care of kids is easy.
- Randall: [to Zack] I'm bored.
- Zack Martin: Good, then go to sleep.
- Maddie: [to Zack and Cody] If you're going to help, don't act like children in front of the children!
- Maddie: I'm sorry, Mr. Moseby, but I had to leave for a family emergency, and I had to leave Esteban in charge.
- Esteban: And I had to take care of everything you put me in charge for, so I had to leave Zack and Cody in charge.
- Zack Martin: Which means this is clearly your fault, Mr. Moseby.
- Cody Martin: But rest assure, we forgive you.
- Mr. Moseby: [takes a soda can from Cody] You can't touch that man's can, and why are you dragging that bag through my lobby?
- [Cody puts the garbage bag down and it breaks]
- Mr. Moseby: Oh, what else could go wrong today?
- [a woman falls on the garbage]
- Mr. Moseby: Well, that answers that.
- Zack Martin: Hey, Maddie, I'm recycling. You know why? Because I love this planet almost as much as I love you.
- Maddie: [rubs Zack's hair] Good for you.
- Zack Martin: She wants me.
- Randall: My parents paid good money for me to have fun, and guess what?
- Zack Martin: You want to give me a tip?
- Randall: Sure. You should do something about your disproportionate head.
- Zack Martin: It was a bad haircut!
- Randall: I want to ride in the air vents.
- Zack Martin: You're not ready for that.
- Randall: Surfing on the luggage cart?
- Zack Martin: Overrated.
- Randall: Fishing in the restaurant aquarium?
- Zack Martin: No... hmm, interesting.
- Zack Martin: [to Cody while he's holding a baby] You're good at this. How'd you figure out that rock and bounce technique?
- Cody Martin: It's not a technique. I just really have to go to the bathroom.
- Maddie: [to Emily] Now, Emily, I don't care what your teddy told you to do, but it's not nice to stick crayons down someone's back.
- Zack Martin: [holds a teddy bear around the corner; talks as the bear] Hi, there, Emily!
- Emily: [looks at the bear] Teddy?
- Zack Martin: [puts a black market to the bear's face] Come quietly or the bear gets a mustache.
- Emily: No!
- [runs to the bear, but gets caught by Zack]
- Emily: I hate you.
- Zack Martin: Get in line.
- Randall: [while asleep] Maddie... must destroy Zack!
- Zack Martin: That kid should be locked up somewhere.
- Zack Martin: Mr. Moseby, you just don't know what it's like to deal with kids.
- Cody Martin: They don't listen to you, they have no respect for authority, they run all over the lobby like maniacs...
- Mr. Moseby: Welcome to my world.
- Zack Martin: [over the walkie-talkie to Cody] Papa Bear to Mama Bear.
- Cody Martin: [to Zack over the walkie-talkie] Why do I have to be Mama Bear?
- Zack Martin: [to Cody over the walkie-talkie] Fine. Papa Bear to Goldilocks.
- [two little kids laugh]
- Cody Martin: [to Zack over the walkie-talkie] I hate you.
- Tia: [during yoga class] Let's start with a Bhastrika breathing technique.
- London: [laughs] Where'd you get that? The back of a cereal box?
- [laughs again]
- Tia: Excuse me?
- London: Well, it's just when I was taught yoga, the right way, we always began with a Bhramari breathing technique.
- Tia: I'll have you know I have been teaching yoga for twenty years.
- London: [coughs] Badly!
- London: [during yoga class] Could I make a suggestion?
- Tia: If it's another comment about my split ends, I would prefer you didn't.
- London: It's not. It's about your lousy yoga technique and your split ends.
- Tia: Before I taught yoga, I was a female Golden Glove champion.
- London: So what? All my gloves are golden.
- Tia: I'm trying to teach a class here!
- London: You're trying, but not succeeding.