The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #2.2 (2005)

Chris Langham: Hugh Abbot

Quotes 

• Hugh Abbot : [arguing about Hugh remaining in the dark on the 8:30's situation]  Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag!

  Glenn Cullen : Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!

  Hugh Abbot : Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up the gallbladder by a bald man?

• Malcolm Tucker : Alright, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? Blue-sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? He's being a nuisance to me, he's also got plans of squizzing your department so hard, you'll be lucky to be left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I'm doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk?

  Hugh Abbot : Circle jerk?

  Oliver Reeder : Alot of guys in a circle, all, you know... Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Glenn]  Tony Mack in the Lobby, you know him, right? Call him, now. Tell him that you're getting that Nicholson is gonna get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle.

  Glenn Cullen : [on the phone]  Tony! Hi! How's it dangling, yeah? Listen, I just want to run something past you. I wonder if you're hearing what, you know, I've been hearing, that Nicholson's gonna be getting Foreign Sec.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh, who is your top mate in the commenteria?

  Hugh Abbot : Colin Sykes.

  Malcolm Tucker : Colin Sykes? That's your top mate? Call him up!

  Hugh Abbot : [on the phone]  Hi, Colin! It's Hugh Abbot speaking, how are you? Got a decent back hand yet? Hugh, Hugh Abbot, we played tennis together. Yeah, yeah!

  Glenn Cullen : [on the phone]  I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary. Next thing we know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.

  Hugh Abbot : [on the phone]  Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be, he's a smart guy. I think at one point I called him a dog rapist.

  [Tucker's phone rings] 

  Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  Cath! I don't know where it's come from, I've been getting it as well! Stonewall them, ok? I'll talk to the boss!

  [hangs up] 

  Malcolm Tucker : And now I'm gonna phone the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

  [on the phone] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Allright, boss? Yeah, look, I'm really sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side here! Stuff about Julius Nicholson? Cath's and I phones are both white hot. Stuff about him becoming Foreign Sec! Am I out of the loop here? Well, person that's most likely to be getting his mates to put this kind of stuff around is Julius Nicholson. You put so much hope in them, they always let you down. I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a wee bit, you know. Do you wanna do it? I think you're right, I think it's better if I just had a little chat. I'll see you in the morning. Night.

  [hangs up] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Fucking brilliant! Eight missed messages! Sleep lightly.

• Malcolm Tucker : Hughey?

  Hugh Abbot : Just thought you'd like to know as soon as possible. Terry's dad?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah?

  Hugh Abbot : No news.

  Malcolm Tucker : So, you've come to talk about the reshuffle, then?

  Hugh Abbot : Yeah. In terms of shuffley stuff, how's Neil? Is his heart...?

  Malcolm Tucker : Have you not heard? He's paralised. Neil's on wheels. He's a vegetable.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, dear.

  Malcolm Tucker : Mind you, that means you could have his department.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, you ARE kidding. Fuck you very much.

  Malcolm Tucker : I know you're looking for mouth-to-mouth on the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it and even the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.

• Hugh Abbot : Good morning.

  Robyn Murdoch : Good morning, Minister.

  Hugh Abbot : Just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? The Big One? First one?

  Robyn Murdoch : Into the lion's den. The viper's pit.

  Hugh Abbot : The belly of the beast. The lair of the white worm.

  Oliver Reeder : The eye of the snake.

  [all stare at him] 

  Hugh Abbot : Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30's, so it's great that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.

  Oliver Reeder : Absolutely. If you were doing this at the Department of Enviorment and Rural Affairs, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, probably at Coffee Republic.

  Hugh Abbot : Covered in piss.