The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Comic Relief Special 1999 - Celebrity Party (1999)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Quotes 

• Owen Newitt : Is there anyone famous in it?

  David Horton : Well, let's see, according to this letter, someone called Johnny Depp.

  Geraldine Granger : Johnny Depp? In our village? Johnny "please use your scissorhands to snip my pants off immediately" Depp!

• Geraldine Granger : I just dropped by to give you this invitation to come to drinks at the Knickerage... uh, at the Knockerage... at the Vicarage tonight

• Geraldine Granger : Where's David?

  Hugo Horton : He said he'd rather have a bull terrier clung to his privates while watching repeats of "Kilroy".

• David Horton : Hello, Vicar. I hear you had quite a night.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh. Boy, you can say that again! Michael Caine, right...

  [laughs] 

  Geraldine Granger : ... brought along this mango.

  David Horton : Apparently though, apart from *Johnny*, you didn't actually see any of your guests.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, no. But they were definitely there.

  David Horton : [Smugly]  Or were they? I suspect you've had the wool pulled over your eyes! I think he probably brought along a couple of rather good impressionists.

  Geraldine Granger : [Indignantly]  No he did not! I mean, look.

  David Horton : What's that?

  Geraldine Granger : This... is Madonna's bra.

  David Horton : [laughing]  That is not Madonna's bra - it's yours!

  Geraldine Granger : It isn't! Look, I'm still wearing mine.

  [Shows him the shoulder strap under her pyjama top] 

  David Horton : I think you've probably got more than one bra!

  Geraldine Granger : No - I haven't! For me, bras are like men. You know, you meet one you love and you stick with it for life. I met this particular love match in British Home Stores, and... well, I'll take him to my grave with me.

  David Horton : 'Him'? I didn't know bras were masculine.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, of course they are. You wouldn't want something female cupping your breasts from dawn till dusk, would you? Well, I suppose you might... if you're a tennis player.

• Alice Horton : [Admiring Geraldine's outfit]  Fabulous!

  Geraldine Granger : So's yours!

  Alice Horton : Oh, thank you!

  Geraldine Granger : Do you mind if I make just a tiny little adjustment to it?

  [Alice is wearing a backless dress, which she has on back to front] 

  Alice Horton : No.

  Geraldine Granger : Erm, where's the...

  [Unfastens the top strap] 

  Geraldine Granger : There. Just slip your arms out of the sleeves, right?

  [Alice does so] 

  Geraldine Granger : Just a new idea. Twist the middle round.

  [Alice does so] 

  Geraldine Granger : That's it. All the way, that's it. Then put your arms back in there.

  [Alice puts her arms back into the sleeves] 

  Geraldine Granger : Do you see?

  Alice Horton : Oh.

  Geraldine Granger : [Fastening the dress, which is now on the right way round]  That's a whole new way of wearing it, isn't it? There we are, that's, er...

  [Notices that her bra is still showing] 

  Geraldine Granger : Well, that's better.