- [last lines]
- [Johnny is filling in for Jennifer in handling the on-air call-in advice show when he is speaking to a caller named Patricia]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: No, no, no, Patricia, you're wrong.
- Patricia: Well, I just don't know what I'm going to...
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [cutting Patricia off] Right, right, right, wait a second. Would you just listen to me, please.
- Patricia: Uh, all right.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Okay, because you don't want to look like a fool, right? Right?
- Patricia: No.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Okay. So now listen very carefully because I'm not always going to be here to help you. Okay? So you always want to start on these things from the outside. That'll lead you naturally, organically, into those inner areas, and that's where all the real action is. Okay? Now, what's furthest out is the salad fork, and the soup spoon. Then, the tea spoon, okay?
- Patricia: [with a panic in her voice] What side?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: On the right. Big fork is on the inside left, and the dessert spoon is above.
- Patricia: [with a continued panic in her voice] Above what?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Pat, Pat, Pat, Patricia. I tell you what. Put the napkin over your head and eat with your hands. Okay we've got a lot of calls...
- Jennifer Marlowe: Andy, I'm not gonna do it.
- Andy Travis: Why not?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Because it goes against my basic philosophy of do your job, but don't do too much of it.
- Andy Travis: Look, it will be much more exciting than being stuck in the lobby all day.
- Jennifer Marlowe: I like it out there. We hardly get any calls. Mr. Carlson won't accept visitors. It's quiet, I can read, study a foreign language, occasionally answer a question or two.
- Andy Travis: See, that's it! Everybody always comes to you for advice. So I say, uh, share your wisdom with the rest of the world.
- Arthur Carlson: [about finding a host for a new call-in advice show] Who have you got in mind?
- Andy Travis: I don't know yet, but I'm going to find someone.
- Herb Tarlek: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, excusez-moi Travinski. Look, that was my idea, I should find him.
- Andy Travis: [scoffing] Oh no, Herb. Don't you want this idea to work?
- Herb Tarlek: What is that supposed to mean?
- Andy Travis: Well, uh...
- Arthur Carlson: I think what Andy is trying to say, Herb, is if you get your incompetent hands on this project, it would totally destroy what would otherwise be a darned good idea.
- [the staff members in the bullpen are talking about Jennifer hosting the call-in advice show]
- Andy Travis: [pointing to Jennifer behind her back] Oh, Venus, did you listen to *the* show?
- Venus Flytrap: [to Jennifer] I recognize that sexy voice anywhere. You were great, Jennifer. You know, I listened to you for just ten minutes, and already I've decided to go back to school, lose fifty pounds and get a sex change operation.
- [Venus blows a seductively fun kiss in Mr. Carlson's direction, Mr. Carlson who grimaces uncomfortably in return]
- [Jennifer is on the air answering the phone for the call-in advice show]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Hi. This is Arlene. You're on.
- Betty: Arlene, this is Betty. I've been engaged to a man three months, and I just found out he has a wooden leg. Should I break it off?
- [Jennifer is on the air answering the phone for the call-in advice show]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Hello, you're on.
- Herb Tarlek: Say Arlene, this is Joe. How does a guy get rid of really problem dandruff?
- Jennifer Marlowe: [answering in recognizing the caller is Herb] I wouldn't know, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: It's Joe.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Well, *Joe*, we have to go to a commercial now.
- Herb Tarlek: Surely, I'd love to hear one.
- [Venus, in the control booth with Jennifer, starts to play the commercial]
- Commercial Voice Over: Say, how does a guy get rid of really problem dandruff?
- [Mr. Carlson is handling reception duties in place of Jennifer when the telephone rings]
- Arthur Carlson: [answering the phone] Hello, WKRP... Mr. Carlson? He's not in. The guy's never in.
- [Mr. Carlson hangs up the phone]
- [Andy is sitting next to Mr. Carlson who is handling reception duties in place of Jennifer when the telephone rings]
- Arthur Carlson: [answering the phone] Hello, WKRP... Travis?
- [Andy motions to take the receiver from Mr. Carlson when Mr. Carlson continues to answer the caller]
- Arthur Carlson: No, he's not in. No, the guy's never in.
- [Mr. Carlson hangs up the phone]
- Herb Tarlek: [somebody has to fill in for Jennifer now that she's doing the radio show] I'll handle the salesman. What does he look like?
- Arthur Carlson: You.
- Bailey Quarters: Good! Dracula meets Frankenstein.
- Jennifer Marlowe: How long does it take Herb to find somebody?
- Andy Travis: He's giving it everything he's got.
- Jennifer Marlowe: That's what I was afraid of.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Gentlemen... Arlene has just resigned. Johnny's filling in.
- Andy Travis: Now wait a minute, Jennifer, you promised me...
- Jennifer Marlowe: With Bailey's help, I just got a caller in touch with a center for battered women.
- Arthur Carlson: Well, uh, that... that's good.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Except that she probably wouldn't have gotten battered had it not been for my cute, flip, off-the-cuff advice.
- Andy Travis: Well now, wait. Jennifer, you can't take responsibility for something like that.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Why not?
- Andy Travis: Well, because we talked you into this, and...
- Jennifer Marlowe: You don't understand, Andy. I kind of liked it. I enjoyed it. Do you think I would have done that day after day if I hadn't? Does that sound like me? So, now I am going to take my little feet right out there in the lobby, and keep my big mouth shut.
- Arthur Carlson: No, no, Jennifer, don't... don't do that.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Why not?
- Arthur Carlson: Because you can't just shut yourself off.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Why not?
- Arthur Carlson: Because I need you.
- Jennifer Marlowe: I don't want people to need me.
- Arthur Carlson: Oh, yes, you do. You want me to need you. And I'll tell you something else, young lady. If you hadn't been on that phone, that woman probably wouldn't have gotten the help that she needed from you and that Bailey. And do you really think that a radio show has anything at all to do with a man who batters women?
- Les Nessman: ...And blow the whole country, oil fields and all, right off the map. But of course that's just a personal observation.
- Les Nessman: [later:] ... We could take out Iraq, too. Then later apologize, and say it was a typographical error. But of course that's just a personal observation.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [Johnny is about to head home for the day] Aren't you gonna stick around to listen to Ask Arlene?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I don't know, Jennifer. I'm against any show that puts a DJ out of work. I mean, this woman is taking Dean the Dream's slot.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Dean was leaving anyway.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: And to what? That's precisely my point. What is Dean leaving to?
- Jennifer Marlowe: He's going to law school.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Oh. You never know when I might need a lawyer.