- Arthur Carlson: [in his want to lose the election] ... it's my opinion... uh, most of the women in your organization are really overweight. I don't mean stocky, we're talking tubby...
- Ann Bleyer (Interviewer at Voting Booth): Mr. Carlson, you're preparing to vote. Where is your wife, Mrs. Carlson?
- Arthur Carlson: Actually, Mrs. Carlson and I had a little disagreement earlier today. Things got a little out of hand. The fact is it's going to be quite a while before you see Mrs. Carlson in public again.
- Wendel Brooks: I'm for busing. I'm for busing every single communist and communist sympathizer in this country back to Russia!
- Barry Schifrin: Mr. Tillman...
- Charles Tillman: You can just call me Chuck, Barry.
- Barry Schifrin: All right. Chuck?
- Charles Tillman: Barry...
- Les Nessman: [in helping Mr. Carlson prepare for the all candidates debate] Mr. Carlson, let's pretend I'm the moderator.
- Arthur Carlson: Okay.
- Les Nessman: Tell me, candidate Carlson, what is your position on busing?
- Arthur Carlson: No comment.
- Herb Tarlek: Personally, I like the "no comment" thing - it's short and to the point - but it could sound like you're takin' the Fifth, Big Guy.
- Les Nessman: The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, but in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.
- Herb Tarlek: [reading off the card Les has handed him] Sure. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"
- [Mr. Carlson whistles in showing how difficult a question he believes it to be]
- Les Nessman: Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem, and I expect to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex. Flexible, and above all else, fair... to every American.
- Bailey Quarters: [about the drinking problem of Mr. Carlson's rival candidate] Last month at a Friends of Armenia banquet, he apparently fell forward into his lasagna.
- Herb Tarlek: [laughing excitedly] Wow!
- Andy Travis: [about making that drinking problem public] Now, listen, Bailey's right. You couldn't use something like that.
- Herb Tarlek: Politics is a tough business, Travis.
- Les Nessman: [suspiciously] Why are Armenians eating lasagna?
- Les Nessman: [speaking to someone on the telephone in trying to help Mr. Carlson lose the election] Hello? This is Deep Throat again. Did you know that every night when he goes home, Arthur Carlson likes to lounge around his house... in a dress?
- Arthur Carlson: [grabbing the telephone receiver from Les and covering the mouthpiece with his hand] Wait a minute Les, don't you think you're carrying this thing just a little too far?
- Les Nessman: Do you want to lose or not?
- Arthur Carlson: Well, okay, but, uh, couldn't it be a pair a slacks and a simple halter top?
- Charles Tillman: Mr. Carlson, you can't even run a small radio station!
- Barry Schifrin: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid our time is just about up.
- Arthur Carlson: [addressing Barry and standing up in his anger] Wai, wai, wait and minute, he said I can't run a radio station?
- Charles Tillman: [laughing] WKRP?
- Arthur Carlson: [to Tillman] Listen, buddy, I run that radio station and I work hard at it! And what's more, I'm there every day. I'm not off some place getting drunk, Tillman!
- Barry Schifrin: Do you wish to reply to that accusation, Mr. Tillman?
- Charles Tillman: [panicked] No comment.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [about the latest public opinion poll regarding candidates running for the city council seat] Mr. Carlson isn't even mentioned.
- Herb Tarlek: Perfect. Perfect!
- Jennifer Marlowe: Why?
- Herb Tarlek: Why? Because if people don't know you, they won't dislike you. If you show yourself too much, then you come off looking like a jerk... at least, that's been my experience.
- [last lines]
- Arthur Carlson: [staring straight into the camera while sitting behind a desk with the American and City of Cincinnati flags on it] My fellow Americans. Good night.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [on phone] Hello, Harry? This is Jennifer. Yes, really. Harry, pull yourself together and listen.