- Dave Gold: My dad. He had no idea how easy he had it. Back then, if you brought home a paycheck and didn't beat your kids, you were "Father of the Year."
- Dave Gold: The truth is, my generation has no idea how this marriage-and-family thing really work because there are no rules anymore. I work, she works. I'm in charge, she's in charge. No one's in charge! It's all a big mess. Who do I blame? Mary Tyler Moore.
- Dave Gold: My wife, Vicky. Don't be fooled by the attitude. We're a team and did you check out the rack? Nice, huh?
- Dave Gold: My daughter, Hillary. By the way, I only have one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter: if she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.
- Hillary Gold: Guess what, Dad, I can lose my virginity just as easily at 4:00 in the afternoon as I can at midnight.
- Dave Gold: Oh, good to know. Your new curfew's 3:30.
- Hillary Gold: This is Taye.
- Taye: Wha'sup?
- Dave Gold: Taye. Tha... tha... that's an interesting name.
- Taye: Yeah, it's short for "Boo-tay."
- Hillary Gold: Is there a problem?
- Dave Gold: Yes!
- Hillary Gold: Is this because Taye's black?
- Dave Gold: Yes! I mean... I mean, no! I mean, I don't have a problem with you going out with a black kid, but this kid's name is Booty? I mean, he didn't get that nickname by being a good study buddy.