Michael Rapaport: Dave Gold

Quotes 

  • [Dave is talking to Larry about his new girlfriend, who is 'large'] 

    Dave : Just promise me, if things move forward, that you're gonna be careful, all right?

    Larry Gold : You mean that I should always practice safe sex?

    Dave : [speaking to the audience from his 'thought room']  Actually I was thinking, Don't let her get on top.

    Dave : [to Larry]  Yeah, that's what I meant.

  • Dave : At no time in history has a culture been so focused on how they look as we are today. Between the diets, the liposuction, Botox, LASIKS. It's crazy and who's responsible? The media and God bless 'em. I mean, who wants to look at fat, ugly people?

  • Dave : [after seeing Hillary reading his Penthouse magazine]  What the hell are you doing? That's a men's magazine for men. Oh, God. Don't tell me you're going Rosie O'Donnell on me.

    Hillary Gold : Relax. I'm just looking at the boobs.

    Dave : Not making me feel better.

  • Dave : Come on, Dave. Marla may not be a supermodel, but she is very sweet.

    Vicky Gold : Yeah, she's sweet. Her blood's 90% sugar.

  • Vicky Gold : [to Dave]  Honey, I cannot believe how superficial you're being. I mean, first, you're upset that maybe Larry doesn't like girls. Now, he doesn't like the right girl?

    Dave : Hey, that wasn't a girl he brought over here. That was an Oompa-Loompa.

  • Hillary Gold : I don't have to use my allowance. I can just use the investments that Grandma and Grandpa set up for me.

    Dave : Your grandmother didn't get you that money for fake boobs, okay? She gave you that money for college.

    Betty : [Grandma Betty addresses the audience from her 'thought room']  Believe me, the boobs'll get her much further.

  • Hillary Gold : [to Vicky]  Well, you have a big chest. Why don't I?

    Vicky Gold : Well, you know, you probably just take after your dad's side of the family. You do have two sets of genes, you know.

    Dave : Hey, don't blame me. Okay? Even the men on my side of the family have big boobs.

  • [Dave feels Larry's new girlfriend is not so good looking] 

    Dave : Look, I can understand a pretty face with a not-so-good body, or a great body with a not-so-good face. God knows, I've had my share of butterfaces.

    Vicky Gold : Butterface?

    Dave : Yeah. Everything's good... but 'er face.

  • [Dave is concerned about Larry's recent behavior and choice of a girlfriend] 

    Dave : Look, I think we might need to take him to a professional.

    Vicky Gold : What? I thought you didn't believe in therapy.

    Dave : What therapy? I meant a hooker.

  • Dave : [to Larry]  You just have to say the right things. Y'know, that's the whole key to getting girls. Confidence. Y'know, you just have to think of yourself as a stud, and they're gonna think of you the same way. Now, how d'you think I got your mother?

    Vicky Gold : [Vicki appears in the 'thought room', explaining to the audience]  Two bottles of Riunite and a questionable "Aspirin"!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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