- Denny Siegel: [in "Weird Newscasters", as a Catskills comedian] I'm here to talk about sports. My husband is a big Yankees fan. Things haven't been so good with my husband lately. The other night, he said to me, "That was the worst sex we ever had." I said, "Honey, you just vacuumed the rug." Ha! Things are really hard for me at home. My kids hate me. The first two kids, I breast fed, I had the only infant bulimics in the country! Ha! Still, it doesn't turn me off; I'd like to have more kids. My biological clock is ticking. Of course, my womb is so stretched out, it's Big Ben! Ha!
- Denny Siegel: [in "World's Worst", about person to be president] My multiple personalities erase the need for a two party system.
- Colin Mochrie: [in "World's Worst", about person to be president] From now on... everyone in North Dakota is named "Tim"!