- Drew Carey: [in "Scenes from a Hat"] "Bad things to say to someone on their deathbed."
- Ryan Stiles: What are you gonna do with your stereo?
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Narrate", set at a gas station]
- [to camera]
- Colin Mochrie: He had the face only a mother could love... if that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he WAS my identical twin.
- [to Ryan, who's lying down]
- Colin Mochrie: Jed? It's me, Phil.
- Ryan Stiles: [to camera] I recognized the voice, and I was looking right up his dress, I know who it was.
- [gets up]
- Ryan Stiles: [to Colin] Long time no see.
- Colin Mochrie: [to camera] Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by... chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet, and burning it, you better make sure they're dead.
- Ryan Stiles: What brings you by?
- Colin Mochrie: I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station you opened up.
- Ryan Stiles: Thanks.
- [to camera]
- Ryan Stiles: Apparently, he had forgotten why he was kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife a lube job in late November. I wasn't gonna bring it up again; I knew it was a touchy subject with him.
- [to Colin]
- Ryan Stiles: Haven't seen you since the lube job.
- Colin Mochrie: HEY! COME ON! WHAT THE HELL? NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN!
- Ryan Stiles: Sorry, it slipped.
- Colin Mochrie: [to camera] I overreacted.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Narrate"] What he didn't was- KNOW was, or was KNOW, was that... I was dyslexic.
- Drew Carey: [buzzes them out] That's, uh, each a thousand you points for.
- Ryan Stiles: That made sense to me!
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Greatest Hits"] I was in college during the sixties, there was a lot of protests around, but I was too busy organizing pep rallies. And that's why this next song... oh, I studied, too. Studied very hard. I didn't get very far,
- [indicating himself and Ryan]
- Colin Mochrie: look!
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Scenes from a Hat", the suggestion being "Bad songs to serenade her with."]
- [singing]
- Ryan Stiles: You're the best I can get...
- Colin Mochrie: [singing] You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese!