- Drew Carey: [in "Scenes from a Hat"] "Baby names that will one day get your child's ass kicked."
- Ryan Stiles: "Oh, is Kick My Ass hungry?"
- Brad Sherwood: [in "Weird Newscasters"] Good evening, and welcome to the 4:17 news. I'm Chester Steakknife. Today, monkeys broke out of the national zoo, and killed everyone in the nation.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Weird Newscasters", his quirk is "Mafia boss whose camera is an assassin] You didn't think I saw you there? Is it me you're looking for? Who sent you? Did NBC send you? You can kill ME, but your day will come, too.
- [kisses camera]
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Weird Newscasters", his quirk is "has chosen this moment to come a nudist"] I would just... I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I can't go through with this pretense. Too often are people shackled by the conventions of clothes.
- [mimes stripping]
- Colin Mochrie: Nudity's where it's at, people. Feel free... you may want to pull back the camera.
- [audience woos]
- Colin Mochrie: Remember, whether you're from there,
- [Brad covers Colin's crotch area with his hand, and keeps moving it in time to Colin's movements]
- Colin Mochrie: or from there, all across this great nation, be nude! The 417 Nudes! That's what we're gonna be called from now on, ladies and gentlemen!
- [to Brad]
- Colin Mochrie: Careful.
- Drew Carey: The points here are kinda like Canada.
- [Colin looks shocked; audience gives sympathy]
- Drew Carey: Colin! I'm kiddin' around, buddy! I'm just joking around, Colin. It was just a joke. I'm very sorry. I love Canada, it's the greatest place in the whole wide world. If you've never seen the show before... which, probably we'll never see it again in Canada...
- [audience laughter]
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Hoedown", about Christmas]
- [singing]
- Ryan Stiles: I love when Santa goes delivers all the toys. / I love to see the smiles on all the girls and boys. / Really is a holiday, a time to pause. / Every Christmas Eve, you'll find me porking Mrs. Claus.
- Drew Carey: [in "Hoedown", about Christmas]
- [singing]
- Drew Carey: Christmas is a holiday that I really hate. There's nothing about it to which I can relate. So every December 25th, I kick off my shoes, and go down to the deli and hang out with the Jews.
- [audience cheers]