- Colin Mochrie: [in "Weird Newscasters"] Our top story today... sixties musical group The Byrds today announced a twenty-four city union tour with their new band member, George W. Bush. To save on money, Mr. Bush will play guitars and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in The Byrds.
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Narrate", set at a circus] Excuse me, seen any tall freaks? Look, someone tried to kill me a couple days ago, I think it was you.
- Ryan Stiles: It wasn't me, why you blaming me?
- [to camera]
- Ryan Stiles: I KNEW he was gonna blame me for everything. Probably even that elephant dung he was standing in right at the moment.
- [audience laughs]
- Ryan Stiles: If I could do 'em that big, I'd be a proud man.
- [to Colin]
- Ryan Stiles: Look, why can't we let bygones be bygones?
- Colin Mochrie: "Bygones be bygones"? You tried to kill me, and now I'm going to return the favor.
- [to camera]
- Colin Mochrie: It was then I realized, I had nothing to kill him with. But then the dung gave me an idea... but then I got rid of that idea and came up with a better one.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Greatest Hits"] Hey Col, what do you usually do when you hear this sound:
- [buzzes like a bee]
- Colin Mochrie: I go like this, "OH NO, I'M ALLERGIC!"
- [audience laughs]
- Colin Mochrie: A very good impression.
- Ryan Stiles: Okay, I have to sell the CD now.
- [to camera]
- Ryan Stiles: You know, we've got songs of the beekeeper, and what a lonely profession it is, really.
- [Colin stares at Ryan]
- Ryan Stiles: ... Songs of the beekeeper. We have 4,000 songs... on 4,000 CDs. They're very, very long songs, but we've condensed them for the purposes of selling this CD set.
- Colin Mochrie: I didn't know any of that. You know...
- [Ryan buzzes again; Colin jumps]
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Greatest Hits"] As you know, I like to live life on the edge.
- Ryan Stiles: Oh, I know you do.
- Colin Mochrie: My house is on the edge of a cliff, and I drive a car from Argentina.
- [pause]
- Colin Mochrie: Lost my train of thought there. But I've always been a
- [slurring word]
- Colin Mochrie: fan of the alternative music.
- Ryan Stiles: Have you?
- Colin Mochrie: Yes, the...
- Ryan Stiles: A "flan"?
- Colin Mochrie: A flan, a nice, because it's nice to eat while you're listening to music.
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Greatest Hits"] Anyway, one of my favorite alternative bands is Green Day.
- Ryan Stiles: Oh!
- Colin Mochrie: They're from your home town, aren't they?
- Ryan Stiles: I don't know. Where am I from?
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Narrate", set at a circus]
- [to camera]
- Colin Mochrie: I wasn't expecting this. When a man has two large bass attached to his ears... you just don't know what to do next.
- [turns back to Ryan, then back to the camera]
- Colin Mochrie: I'm not kidding! I don't know what to do next!