- Drew Carey: [after audience member Angela teaches the cast how to say "I'm sorry" in sign language] We usually have a lot of things to apologize for on this show. Just... put it on our account.
- Drew Carey: [in "Scenes from a Hat"] "Dr. Seuss-inspired pick-up lines."
- Wayne Brady: Hello, my dear, you are first rate. How about we go on a date? Oh, you're so good-looking, boobily-boo. Come back to my place for some bammity-boo.
- Ryan Stiles: Come home with me, I'm not scary. I'm really rich, I'm Drew Carey.
- Brad Sherwood: You're the kind of girl that I'd like to know. My name is Horton, and I see a ho.
- Colin Mochrie: Could you do it with a friend? Could you do it end-to-end? Would you do it on a goat? Would you do it with my coat? Would you do it in a tree? Would you do it while I see... he-he-he-he-he-he-he...
- Brad Sherwood: Are you my mommy?
- Ryan Stiles: Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice. I think that would be really nice. Lookie lookie at the size of my shoe. You know what they say; yes, it is true.
- Wayne Brady: [in "Hoedown", about Ryan's wife]
- [singing]
- Wayne Brady: Ryan, he was really tired of the datin' scene. / He wanted to get a spouse who was never mean. / He wanted a girl with brains, and a girl that was kind of fina. / So he mail-ordered a chick all the way from China.
- [audience laughs/oohs]
- Wayne Brady: [talking] What? It's a mail-order bride!
- Drew Carey: [singing] When Ryan first met his wife, she fell in love with his nose. / She couldn't wait to rip off all his clothes. / But then she found out something that made her die. / What they say about guys with big nose and big feet, it's a lie.
- [Ryan sarcastically laughs]
- Colin Mochrie: [singing] Oh, Ryan Stiles, I'd love to be his wife. / He's the best lover that I've ever had in my life. / After we've made love, boy, I'm really high-steppin'. / Mel Gibson isn't the ONLY one with a lethal weapon.
- Ryan Stiles: [singing] Getting married was what I always wanted to do. / The happiest day was when my wife said, "I love you." / We're the happiest couple to anyone who's seen us, / And it beats the hell of sittin' around and pullin' my own penis.
- Drew Carey: Hey, watch for Colin's new show. Uh, it's a cross between "Dick van Dyke", "Beat the Clock", and "Leave it to Beaver". Uh...
- [Ryan laughs]
- Drew Carey: I'd tell you the title, but I'm not allowed to say it on TV.