- Grace Adler: Well, if no one wants to play with me, then I'm just going to go to my room and play with myself. By myself. I meant by myself.
- Jack McFarland: I know CPR.
- Karen Walker: You know CPR?
- Jack McFarland: Oh yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay. Only I think it just confused him even more...
- Jack McFarland: Here's a little acronym that'll help you: C.T.A.P.T.N.T.T.H.A.B.M.T.M.
- Karen Walker: Here's a little acronym for you, honey: What the hell are you talking about?
- Grace Adler: Oh, oh, and by the way, once you let Jeannie out of the bottle, there's no way she's going back to that little circle couch.
- Grace Adler: You can't control your competitive nature any more than I can.
- Will Truman: That is...
- Grace Adler: Yes, you, you just like to play the cool Will Truman while I'm all the intense crazy one. Well, once the bowling shoe is on the other foot, look who's the good cop and look who's the bad cop.
- Will Truman: That is the worst mixed metaphor you have ever uttered.
- Karen Walker: I had a near-death experience last night.
- Jack McFarland: Wow! Did you see God? Is she mad at me?
- Karen Walker: Come on, Jack, this is serious. It was at The Palm last night with Stan, and he started choking on his rack of lamb. Well, my first instinct was to watch it play out, but it was really attracting attention, so...
- Jack McFarland: Omigod, is he OK?
- Karen Walker: Oh, yeah, he's fine. Javier the busboy gave him the Heimlich. Gosh, I should probably get him something as a 'Thank You'. Maybe the rest of his family from Cuba.