- [Vyvyan is introducing the guys to his mother...]
- Vyvyan: That's a friend of mine named Neil, that's a friend of mine named Mike... and that's a complete bastard I know named Rick.
- Rick: [laughing] He's just joking Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
- Mrs Vyvyan: Ooh-err. He is a bastard, isn't he?
- Policeman 1: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.
- Policeman 2: That's a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic.
- Policeman 1: Yeah, I know she's Catholic, but I didn't know the Pope was.
- [explaining cereal contest rules]
- Vyvyan: You have to write in 10 words what Cornflakes mean to you. So I wrote: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
- Rick: PATHETIC. You'll never win, you know.
- Vyvyan: Why not?
- Rick: That's only 9 words.
- Vyvyan: Oh, yeah.
- [writing]
- Vyvyan: Cornflakes.
- Mr. Balowski: [as Mr Balowski's nephew, Billy] I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going
- [pantomimes hitting a table with an object, the other hand on his hip]
- Mr. Balowski: "WHAT IS IT NOW, RALPH?"
- [Door knocking]
- Mike: There's someone at the door, Rick.
- Rick: Someone at the door, Vyvyan.
- Vyvyan: Someone at the door, Neil.
- Neil: Someone at the door, Mike.
- Mike: I know!
- [Door knocking louder]
- Mike: There's someone at the door, Rick!
- Rick: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan!
- Vyvyan: There's someone at the door, Mike!
- Neil: There's someone at the door, Neil!
- [Everyone looks at Neil, confused]
- Policeman 2: Still, it's a laugh, isn't it?
- Policeman 1: What is?
- Policeman 2: That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
- Policeman 1: Yeah, that's a laugh, yeah.
- [a man, seen only from the chest down, rings the boys' doorbell with a black-gloved hand, as a policeman wearing dark glasses rushes up to intervene]
- Racist Policeman: Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I got your number. You're nicked.
- [a full shot reveals that the man ringing the bell is a cultured-looking, very well-spoken Caucasian]
- Kellogg's competition representative: Is there anything the matter, officer?
- Racist Policeman: Ho, ho, ho, dear me, don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastus Chocolate Drop. Now, listen here, son, I done a weekend's training with the SAS. I could pull both your arms off and leave no trace of violence. Lord Scarman need never know.
- Kellogg's competition representative: What seems to be the trouble, officer?
- [he rings the bell again]
- Racist Policeman: That's white man's electricity you're burnin', ringin' that bell. That's theft. I've got your number, so hold out your hands.
- Kellogg's competition representative: I represent Kellogg's Corn Flakes Car Competition. I...
- [at this point, the policeman removes his dark glasses, realising his mistake]
- Racist Policeman: Oh, sorry, John. I thought you was a nigger... . Carry on.