- Gin Rummy: Back in Iraq, we was in the Special Ops.
- Riley: Y'all niggas should've been in the Special Olympics!
- [Ed III and Rummy rob a bank]
- Ed Wuncler III: 22 minutes.
- Gin Rummy: We suck! We fuckin' suck, man!
- Ed Wuncler III: I don't think 22 minutes is so bad.
- Gin Rummy: Not so bad? That's a whole episode of "Seinfeld"! It takes us a whole episode of Sein-fuckin'-feld to rob a bank!
- Gin Rummy: Whoa. Bushido Brown. Aw, damn, I was afraid of this.
- Ed Wuncler III: Who's Bushido Brown?
- Gin Rummy: A bona fide bad motherfucker, that's who. You remember when Oprah made those comments about the beef industry?
- Riley: No.
- Gin Rummy: Oh. Well, a few years back, Oprah said some shit on her show about beef. You know, Mad Cow Disease or some shit. Anyway, the beef industry didn't exactly find that shit amusing. They thought they'd send a crew of armed Texans to teach Oprah a lesson. Ex-Marines, ex-Texas Rangers, rogues, that kinda shit. But Oprah hired Bushido Brown as her personal bodyguard. Apparently, only one dude was able to actually lay a hand on Oprah's office door. They say... Bushido Brown kept that hand.
- Ed Wuncler III: ...I think I just shit myself.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boys! What the hell?
- Riley: I ain't doing nothing, granddad. I was just gon go to Ed's house and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What the hell is wrong with you Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business.
- Huey Freeman: Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
- Riley: There he go hatin' again!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy! Stop hatin'!
- Huey Freeman: What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shot gun and Riley shot Ed out of a second story window?
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That did happen, didn't it.
- Riley: Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in the second amendment right to bare arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?
- Huey Freeman: Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the Mini-Mart?
- Riley: They was fighting terrorism! Make the world safe for the freedoms we enjoy today. That's messed up. You don't support the troops, Huey.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That is kinda messed up, Huey... be back by dinner.
- Bushido Brown: Man, you come from straight out of a comic strip.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [Huey and Riley are fighting until Granddad intervenes] Boys! What the hell?
- Riley: I ain't doing nothing Granddad, I was just gonna go to Ed's house, and Huey, said I couldn't go cause he a hater
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What the hell is wrong with you Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy that's his business.
- Huey Freeman: Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
- Riley: There he goes hatin' again!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy! Stop hatin!
- Huey Freeman: What about the time when Ed and Riley were playing with a loaded shotgun and Riley shot Ed out of a second story window.
- [flashback to Riley who shoots Ed and falls from the building, he wore a body armor]
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Oh, that did happen, didn't it?
- Riley: Ok, so just cause Ed believes in second amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the bill of rights Huey?
- Huey Freeman: Ok, how about the time he stopped for gas, and ended up robbing the mini-mart
- [flashback to Ed and Rummy's raid at the mini mart]
- Riley: They was fightin' terrorism, making the world safe for the freedom we enjoy today. That's messed up, you don't support the troops Huey!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That is kind of messed up Huey.
- [to Riley]
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Be back by dinner.
- Gin Rummy: Oh, snap! What if we kidnap Oprah?
- Ed Wuncler III: And do what?
- Gin Rummy: Control of Oprah is control over women.
- Ed Wuncler III: Wait, I see where you're going. See, 'cause, like, control over women... is control over *bitches*!
- [Ed III is floundering in the middle of his swimming pool]
- Ed Wuncler III: Hey! Why you leave me out here? One of you muthafuckas better come out here and get me, I know that! Or you *will* be living in a haunted house tonight!
- Gin Rummy: Swim, bitch!
- Riley: Who's tryin' to stop you? Nobody ever tries ro stop you.
- Gin Rummy: Yes they do.
- Riley: No they don't.
- Gin Rummy: Hey, just because we don't know anyone tryin' to stop us, don't mean ain't nobody out there tryin' to stop us. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
- Riley: Seems to me like everyone just lets ya'll do whatever you want. Thats why ya'll always getaway.
- Gin Rummy: We get away, because i'm a criminal master mind.
- Riley: Whatever nigga.
- Ed Wuncler III: [Throws down a game controler] This is some bullshit! The game cheatin'!
- Riley: Nigga, the game ain't cheatin'.
- Ed Wuncler III: Start the game over!
- Riley: Why you always gotta cheat when you lose Ed?
- Gin Rummy: Let'em have it. Not wise to upset a Wuncler.
- Ed Wuncler III: [Pulls out gun and shoots the Playstation 2, then points the gun at Riley] Restart the game, now!
- Riley: [as Ed and Rummy make up and embrace each other after arguing] Y'all niggas are gay.
- Gin Rummy: Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world! Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste an entire industry with a mere utterance! She's a completely invincible, unstoppable force of nature and with her under our control... nobody would be able to stop us!
- Ed Wuncler III: It was all Rummy's fault.
- Gin Rummy: Ed ran into the wrong store. I was following Ed.
- Ed Wuncler III: How was I supposed to know which bookstore to go into? They look exactly the same, and they both got books.
- Riley: And there was a giant crowd of people outside of one!
- Ed Wuncler III: That don't mean Oprah was in there!
- Riley: There was a large sign that said 'Welcome, Oprah'! Ya'll lucky Ed's grandfather owns the cops.
- Butler: Just what are you trying to imply? Look, we escaped their capture because of planning, teamwork, and execution.
- Butler: This officer wanted to see you, Mr. Wuncler.
- Policeman: Excuse me, Mr. Wuncler. I just well, you dropped this today at the bookstore, during the unpleasant...
- [hands Ed his wallet]
- Policeman: Thank you, Mr. Wuncler. I'm so sorry to disturb you. I hope you're not upset with me.
- Riley: ...Why don't we just get Oprah tomorrow?
- Ed Wuncler III: And what's wrong with texting?
- Gin Rummy: You mean aside from the fact that it's the stupidest f - -ing thing in the world. I mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend 15 minutes trying to type some s - t they coulda called and said in 5 seconds?