- Juror #1: [discussing Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie] Well for the record, I'm on Jen's side.
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: You heard it here, folks: Trevor Boris is in favour of genocide.
- Juror #6: I find Britney Spears guilty... of getting married and having a baby. What a terrible person!
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: I sentence 50 Cent to get married, settle down, and start a family of nickles and dimes. HA! Small change joke!
- [on the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston break-up]
- Juror #2: All the women in the world were like WHAT? He cheate... oh, Angelina Jolie? Oh yeah, she's hot!
- Juror #6: [on 50 Cent] He got shot nine times, which I believe is a world record.
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: Oh no, it's not.
- Juror #6: It's not?
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: Show him, Rusty.
- Rusty Waters: [Rusty points at his wounds]
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: Fifteen times in the face!
- Juror #6: Oh. Well it's still more times than me, which automatically makes him a GANGSTA!
- Juror #2: I wouldn't say 50 exactly pulls off a charming look. More like a 'quickly-cross-to-the-other-side-of-the-road' look.
- Britney Spears: [stands accused]
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: For having Kevin Federline's child, I sentence you to kill the child, then Kevin, then Shawn Desman, and then yourself.
- [Fraser discusses one of the accused, we hear scraping/dragging noises]
- Juror #6: ...and I'd like to point out that Ron moving his chair around like that is very distracting!
- [Ron and Rusty are loudly dragging his huge judge's chair across the courtroom floor]
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: Oh, sorry! We should probably do this later.
- Juror #3: Eff you for judging me and my family, Kanye! Eff you, unless you want to eff me for a stack of money!
- Juror #4: If I could find a diet where my tits get bigger but the rest of me stays the same, sign me up Lindsay, sign me up!
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: Lindsay Lohan, I sentence you to never make a sequel to Herbie: Fully Loaded.
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: Unless you promise to stop singing. That would be a fair trade.
- Juror #5: So what if Angelina and Brad are using their kids as fashion accessories? It's not like the kids are gunna be like, 'no, I don't want a mohawk. Send me back to the orphanage!'
- Juror #3: My rule of thumb is that if you give me a stack of money larger than my thumb, I'll put my thumb, up your bum.
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: I hereby sentence myself to do a sexy dance for you all!
- [he does a sexy dance]
- The Honorable Ron Sparks: I order you to take Kanye West shopping and help him pick out a pair of penny loafers!