- Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
- Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
- Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
- Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8.
- Lou: [on the radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
- Bart Simpson: I'll fool you up real nice.
- Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingist day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
- Dr. Hibbert: You were veterinarian?
- Doctor: That's right. And for an extra twenty dollars, I'll give Homer a tick bath and spay him.
- Bart Simpson: Here you go, doc.
- [offering cash to the doctor]
- Marge Simpson: Bart!
- Bart Simpson: Shop around - you can't beat that price.
- [Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital]
- Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it. Ha ha.
- Public Service Announcement: The following is a public service announcement: excess of alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
- Homer: Uuummm, beer.
- Dr. Hibbert: Mrs Simpson im afraid youre husband is dead. april fools hes very much alive though im afraid he may never walk again.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
- [Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger]
- Homer: Why, you little...!
- [angrily strangles Bart. Marge, Lisa and Maggie arrive in the room]
- Marge Simpson: Homie, you're alright!
- Lisa Simpson: We're a family again!
- [Marge happily embraces Lisa and Maggie while Homer angrily continues to strangle Bart]