- Dr. Gregory House: You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone and the water is boiling. Which problem do you deal with first?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: House!
- Dr. Gregory House: None of them! The building's on fire!
- Dr. Gregory House: [snatches the black marker back from Foreman who was writing on the whiteboard] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the whiteboard. It's not my rule. What ties both of these conditions together?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [the others can't come up with anything that ties the two conditions together] OK, we can all stare at each other or we can investigate what caused the heart failure. Just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
- Dr. James Wilson: [enters House's apartment after waiting for hours outside his door] Where's... the hooker, I assume?
- Dr. Gregory House: [points at his own head] Right up here, buddy.
- Dr. James Wilson: You said... you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
- Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say it had to be with another person.
- Dr. James Wilson: [makes a grossed-out face]
- Dr. Gregory House: Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
- Dr. James Wilson: No. I was waiting out there for hours!
- Dr. Gregory House: Well, I need a lot of foreplay and then there's the cuddling afterwards.
- [House is treating a girl with severe allergies whose boyfriend paid her a late-night visit]
- Dr. Gregory House: This is the one downside of teenage sex. You're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. She's allergic to penicillin.
- Dan: What, do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth.
- Dr. Gregory House: Think lower and more fun.
- Dan: I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?
- Dr. Gregory House: Totally, dude!
- Dr. Gregory House: Inamrinone was a stupid idea, unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator.
- Dr. James Wilson: Aww, I wouldn't do that.
- Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't respect you if you did.
- [House's cane breaks, and falls down]
- Dr. James Wilson: Wow, looks like somebody... filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Cameron] So I hear you don't want teenagers having sex. Teen suicide rate isn't high enough for you already?
- Dr. Gregory House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis and I don't buy that it's unrelated.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: He loves her! He did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
- Dr. Gregory House: [looks puzzled] What does that mean?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness...
- [smiles]
- Dr. Allison Cameron: You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, snap!
- Dr. Gregory House: [while House is searching frantically through a patient's hair for a tick] Time course is perfect. Bite itself sets off an allergic reaction, venom takes four days to kick in, heart's vulnerable, hits that first. Then a day later, sets off the ascending paralysis.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.
- Dr. Gregory House: They are until you find them!
- [holds up the comb]
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh no, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time it'll be even better.
- Dr. Robert Chase: [to Dan] We're going to need a semen sample. You can use the bathroom over there.
- Dan: Right, uh... how do I...
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Aim and shoot.
- Dr. Robert Chase: No thinking about Dr. Cameron. We'll know.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] What did I do to you? I scammed you into doing the dishes, made you sit on the steps. I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
- Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
- Dr. Gregory House: No... just makes me smile.
- Barbara Bardach: [to House] What are you doing?
- Dr. Gregory House: Your daughter had two visitors on Friday night. One of them is still in the room. She has tick paralysis. Dan tracked a tick on to his jeans which wouldn't be a problem. But being a teenager, Dan couldn't keep his tick in his pants.
- Dr. Gregory House: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties. It's not our call.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis...
- Dr. Gregory House: It is tempting.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Melinda, the patient] Why does she have a clean room in her home?
- Dr. Gregory House: Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
- Barbara Bardach: [to Foreman about Melinda] You know, this is hard enough without you...
- Dr. Eric Foreman: She asked my opinion.
- Barbara Bardach: She is 16 years old. Lie to her.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: When I was eight, my mom. She... she hated...
- Barbara Bardach: I know, I... I need to loosen up. I'm overprotective, I saw "Finding Nemo." I get it, I don't need another story.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: You're not just being overprotective. You're one of the most overprotective parents I've ever seen.
- Barbara Bardach: She has the best private tutors. I let her friends visit. I'm not going to apologize.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Just giving you my thoughts.
- Barbara Bardach: She almost died three times during her childhood: penicillin, bee stings, peanuts.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: I've seen her file.
- Barbara Bardach: Six months ago, we leave her home alone for the first time on a weekend. She goes out, buys one chocolate chip cookie, peanut butter in the dough. She's forgotten her epi-pen, she drives to the hospital, passes out, has an accident. Steering wheel crushed her chest. She ended up losing her heart. So when you say to me that I'm one of the most overprotective parents you've seen, please, please introduce me to the ones who were more protective so that I can find out what they're doing right.
- Dr. Gregory House: [about Melinda] This girl's tough. She gets what she wants. She's deprived of human contact. She gets herself a back door man or in her case, a side window boy. What else has she been deprived of?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: She's on a special diet because of her allergies.
- Dr. Gregory House: The boyfriend brings the hot beef. He also brings a side dish. Botulism.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Melinda] What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.
- Dr. Gregory House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen?