Desperate Housewives (TV Series)

Don't Look at Me (2006)

Felicity Huffman: Lynette Scavo

Quotes 

• Karen McCluskey : Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago.

  Lynette : Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry.

  Karen McCluskey : Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?

  Lynette : Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence.

  Karen McCluskey : Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em.

  Lynette : Excuse me?

  Karen McCluskey : You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell.

  Lynette : That is ridiculous.

  Karen McCluskey : Spoken like a true liberal idiot.

  Lynette : No, I am not going to shame my son.

  Karen McCluskey : Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo.

• Mrs. Pate : Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina.

  Lynette : What kind of cookie?

  Mrs. Pate : What does that matter?

  Lynette : Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified.

• Lynette : [Parker is coloring]  Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.

  Parker Scavo : Oh, are you mad?

  Lynette : [laughs uncomfortably]  No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.

  Parker Scavo : [Innocently]  Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.

  Lynette : Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.

  Parker Scavo : [Innocently confused]  That's weird! How does a baby get in there?

  Lynette : Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?

  Parker Scavo : OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!

  Lynette : [Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture]  ... And then the mommy and the dadd because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.

  Parker Scavo : What kind of seed?

  Lynette : Oh, that's not important.

  Parker Scavo : I don't believe you!

  Lynette : Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.

• Lynette : I talked to Mrs. McCuskey and for God sakes Parker, you can't ask people things like that.

  Parker Scavo : Why?

  Lynette : [Grasping for straws]  Because, it's rude.

  Parker Scavo : I said please!

  Lynette : That doesn't matter. You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies, and about where babies come from.

  Parker Scavo : Why?

  Lynette : Because it's not an appropriate subject.

  Parker Scavo : Why?

  Lynette : Because it's not.

  Parker Scavo : Why?

  Lynette : Ahh, because it's dirty and wrong and I'll wash your mouth out with soap, that's why!

  [he looks shocked]