- Homer Simpson: But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene."
- Mr. Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
- Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
- Mr. Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
- Waylon Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his
- [imitating Nixon]
- Mr. Burns: "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"
- [Smithers laughs]
- Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
- Waylon Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
- Mr. Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.
- Gate Guard: Name, please.
- Homer Simpson: Simpson family.
- Marge Simpson: We're not poor.
- [the whole family stares at her]
- Marge Simpson: Well, we're not.
- Bart Simpson: That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, until I paid him to stop.
- Homer Simpson: [holding a stack of towels] Should have held out longer, boy!
- Homer Simpson: Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
- Mr. Burns: Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
- Homer Simpson: [pause] Yes.
- Tom Kite: Now you don't want to overthink.
- Homer Simpson: Not a problem.
- Tom Kite: Keep your head down.
- Homer Simpson: Huh?
- Tom Kite: Pretend there's nobody else here and just go at your own pace.
- [the ball lands near the hole]
- Tom Kite: Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: Really?
- Tom Kite: Uh huh. Now all you need is your *own* set of clubs
- [suddenly angry]
- Tom Kite: ... and stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes!
- Marge Simpson: We've got a winning hand. We can take the rest of the tricks. Ooh, you better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning. Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner. Don't ask me! I'm just hair! Your head stopped eighteen inches ago!