- Andy Barker: I enjoyed it. It was a rush.
- Jenny Barker: Andy, are you doing pot?
- Andy Barker: You know that feeling that I get when I hit the equal sign on the calculator and the number on the calculator is the same number that's on the worksheet? It felt like that, honey.
- Miss Congeniality 2 doll: [Sandra Bullock's voice from Miss Congeniality] You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me.
- Andy Barker: No, seriously, what is that?
- Simon: It's a remote controlled Sandra Bullock doll from Miss Congeniality 2.
- Andy Barker: Oh, score! Man, I didn't think they could top Miss Congeniality, but they came pretty darn close.
- Simon: It's counterfeit. I made it to mock the movie.
- Andy Barker: [getting an error on the internet because a website has expired] Oh cheese and crackers!
- Lew Staziak: Welcome to Stalingrad, kiddo.
- Andy Barker: What do you mean?
- Lew Staziak: You're in with the Cossacks, buddy, the Russian mob. They take their orders straight from Khrushchev.
- Andy Barker: Khrushchev? Hasn't he been out of office...
- Andy Barker: I don't suppose you wanna take over the case?
- Lew Staziak: Me?
- [coughs]
- Lew Staziak: No way. I mean there's nothing I like better than kickin' the brown bread out of a bunch of commies high on potato juice, but I'm out of the game.
- Andy Barker: I just don't know where to start.
- Simon: You just need to bring...
- [raises right fist]
- Simon: ...the thunder
- [raises left fist]
- Simon: '... and the lightning.
- Andy Barker: You got walnut in your teeth.
- Simon: Oh crap.
- Andy Barker: Hey Wally, is that a security camera?
- Wally: Yeah. I tape everything.
- Andy Barker: Does that also tape the parking lot?
- Wally: No. Lincoln watches the store.
- [snaps fingers]
- Wally: Nixon got the parking lot.