Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus/Jason Sudeikis/Daniel Powter (2006)

Robert Smigel: Lips of George W. Bush, Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Quotes 

• Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : I want to weigh in on the immigration issue too.

  Conan O'Brien : Okay.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yah, here's my take.

  Conan O'Brien : Okay, let's hear your take.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : We have to keep out the foreigners!

  Conan O'Brien : [laughs]  Really.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yah! You do because, because... they can speak "de Englishes". And Conan, their diction, it can only be described as "fleigengrapenschteisen"!

  Conan O'Brien : What does that mean?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : It means that these people lack the basic "vlasitruden" to achieve the "grubenschnitzen"!

• Conan O'Brien : So Arnold, am I to understand that you do not support immigration?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Conan, no no no, don't get me wrong. I very much admire the people who try so desperately to get into this country.

  Conan O'Brien : You do. You do admire them.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yah yah, of course. These are people who risk life and limb, swim across rivers, crawl through the hand-dug tunnels and give up everything they had, just so that their children might one day see my all-time smash holiday classic "Jingle All the Way"! Don't you understand, Conan? It's the American dream!

  Conan O'Brien : That, that is not...

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : "Jingle All the Way"!

  Conan O'Brien : That is not the American dream.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : YOU'RE not the American dream!

  Conan O'Brien : [sarcastic]  Good one.

• Conan O'Brien : Now Mr. President, do you think it's appropriate that you and other Republicans are framing the immigration issue as part of the War on Terror?

  Lips of George W. Bush : All right, let me tell you something, Chili Cone Cone Coney.

  Conan O'Brien : All right.

  Lips of George W. Bush : It is, it IS a part of the War on Terror. That's why it's important that we distinguish between those people who are seeking freedom, and those who are seeking freedom because they hate freedom. These freedom-seeking, freedom-haters must be sought out before they seek to end the freedom they so dearly seek.

  Conan O'Brien : ...Sir, I'll give you $50 if you can say that sentence again.

  Lips of George W. Bush : You're on. These freedom... heeba-jamba-jumba.

  Conan O'Brien : [chuckles]  Yeah, okay.

  Lips of George W. Bush : Pick a peck of pickled peppers.

  Conan O'Brien : That's very nice.

  Lips of George W. Bush : Come on, that's worth twenty.

• Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : If we really want to keep America safe, we must build a fence around the future.

  Conan O'Brien : Why do we need a fence around the future?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : That's where the real enemies are! Our future is ruled by an advanced race of unstoppable mechanized immigrants.

  Conan O'Brien : Oh for God's sake.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Conan, these "Chinabots" and "Mexiborgs" will come here in time machines, clone our jobs, and beam them back to the third world mothership!

  Conan O'Brien : Would Chinabots and Mexiborgs...

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yah! And don't forget about the burden these uninsured Mexiballs put on our health care system.

  Conan O'Brien : You're saying cyborgs need health care?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Mexiborgs do; they're poorly made. Remember, they're from Mexico.

  Conan O'Brien : Oh for God's sakes, Arnold!

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : But don't worry, Conan, there's still time!

  Conan O'Brien : Time for what?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : There's still time, eh-eh... to send me into the future. I will disguise myself as a Mexiborg and go by the name "Raul 5000". I will hang out by the time machines and say things like, "Hey guys, it's pretty nice here in the future, no need to go back to the present." And then they'll say, "Don't you mean the past?" And I'll say, "Why? Did I call it the "present"? My mistake." And they'll say, "He's from the past! Get him!" And then I'll tear off my virtual poncho, take out my twin Gatling guns, blow all the Chinabots and Mexiborgs away in slow motion, take the cigar out of my mouth, turn to the camera and say: "Now that's a blast from the past!"