- Dennis: Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.
- Crack Dealer: Whatchu need?
- Dennis Reynolds: Uh, one please.
- Crack Dealer: One what?
- Dennis Reynolds: Uh, one... rock of crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
- Dee Reynolds: Um, how much would you recommend for a first time user?
- Crack Dealer: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Two for the price of one.
- Dee Reynolds: Really? Oh, that's very nice of you.
- Dennis Reynolds: Oh, that sounds good. How much?
- Crack Dealer: 200 dollars?
- Dennis Reynolds: Sounds reasonable, great. Okay.
- [slides money through window]
- Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
- Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
- Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
- Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
- Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
- Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
- Frank Reynolds: Because you are crackheads, children.
- Mac: [looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah those are good thighs, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
- Mac: That's what I'm talking about dude, you can't be saying things like that.
- Charlie Kelly: No dude, I'm not saying that 'cause he's black, I'm saying 'cause he's asleep in his chair.
- Mac: [after Charlie closes the window on Dennis and Dee] Driver, we're done here.
- [Everyone starts laughing]
- Sweet Dee: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
- Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
- Sweet Dee: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
- Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
- Sweet Dee: Maybe we should think about rehab.
- Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
- Sweet Dee: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
- Dennis: Yeah...
- Charlie Kelly: All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.
- Mac: Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.
- Dennis Reynolds: [going to buy crack to get on welfare] Okay, we'll smoke a little bit. Just enough to get it into our system.
- Dee Reynolds: Yeah, and then we'll go to the doctor and we'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
- Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and then we'll just collect for just a little while, until we get settled. And then, uh, I'll take the MCATs.
- Dee Reynolds: And I'll move to New York. Perfect.
- [notices crack dealer outside car]
- Dee Reynolds: Ahh!
- Dennis Reynolds: Ohh! My God! Whew.
- Dee Reynolds: Jesus!
- Dennis Reynolds: Wow, you scared us. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no, we're not racist.
- Dee Reynolds: No, no, God no.
- Dennis Reynolds: No, it's just that the neighborhood is scary...
- Dee Reynolds: If you were another ethnicity you'd pop, you'd really pop up.
- Dennis Reynolds: But it's a nice neighborhood, I mean, it's okay... It's the nature of this...
- Crack Dealer: Roll your window down.
- Frank Reynolds: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
- Charlie Kelly: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
- Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
- Charlie Kelly: It's the name of almost every game.
- Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
- Charlie Kelly: Plight...
- Mac: Respect.
- Charlie Kelly: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
- Frank Reynolds: I'm good, go get us some slaves.
- Mac: You guys have nothing outside this bar.
- Dennis Reynolds: Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.
- [cut to title "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare"]
- Charlie Kelly: Alright. So what's the vig?
- Frank Reynolds: What?
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
- Frank Reynolds: Do you even know what VIG means?
- Mac: Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?
- Dennis Reynolds: Well then we'll just go on welfare.
- Mac: Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...
- Dennis Reynolds: [turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!