- Bette Porter: [at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.
- Tina Kennard: Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?
- Bette Porter: Obviously, you weren't qualified for *that*, either!
- Max Sweeney: I just don't know why we can't work it out.
- Jenny Schecter: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.
- Waiter: Refill?
- Helena Peabody: No, I don't think I can afford it.
- Alice Pieszecki: Helena, it's free.
- Joyce Wischnia: Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.
- Bette Porter: What decision have we made?
- Joyce Wischnia: Mommy dearest one and mommy dearest two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.
- Tina Kennard: How is that not a terrible thing?
- Bette Porter: Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?
- Joyce Wischnia: Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.
- Joyce Wischnia: [to baby Angelica] And you, my little sweet, you will be known in the press as Baby A, the artificially conceived daughter of a bisexual, white movie exec and a biracial, lesbian art-world titan. Oh, my gosh. The fundamentalists will picket. Liberals and feminists will argue among themselves. Good Christian folks will write into the op-eds, offering to adopt her away from her sick and perverted, warring parents.
- Alice Pieszecki: What about your car? Wasn't your car worth like $300.000? I mean, you can live on that for like two years!
- Helena Peabody: Maybe you could!
- Jenny Schecter: Oh, guess what. Umm... We got a mention on MySpace and we took out an ad on OurChart.
- Helena Peabody: [Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.] Do you have to sleep with someone first?
- Alice Pieszecki: Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...
- Helena Peabody: [to Jenny] You slept with Tina?
- Jenny Schecter: Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.
- Alice Pieszecki: No, no, hypothetically.
- Jenny Schecter: There's Gabby Deveaux.
- Helena Peabody: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
- Alice Pieszecki: [chirpily] Yeah, she's a whore.
- Jenny Schecter: [to Helena] Oh, my God! You're right. Look at this. This girl has slept with one thousand, one hundred... Oh! She just added a name. Now it's one thousand, one hundred and fifty one.
- Tina Kennard: Wow, are we really that untouchable?
- Helena Peabody: What are you talking about?
- Tina Kennard: You just backed away from us like we have some sort of heterosexual cootie.
- Bette Porter: [on the phone with Joyce, about Tina] What can she do? Worst case scenario if she decides to be the hypocritical monster we already know she is?
- Claude Mondrian: [after Marina is out of earshot] Do you think she'll have sex with us?
- Jenny Schecter: [after a pause] No.
- Claude Mondrian: Ask her.
- Cherie Jaffe: [to Shane] Freak. What were you thinking, thinking you were going to marry that ridiculous girl?
- Jenny Schecter: [to Max] Alice worked for weeks setting this wedding up. Helena spent a small fortune.
- Witt Strobel: [to Helena] The movie studio Paramount is looking to acquire. Your Mother wanted to unload it before she left for Antigua.
- Henry: Who's Aaron Kornbluth?
- Tina Kennard: He's our new boss.
- Helena Peabody: Meeting him on Wednesday.
- Donald: [to Max] My daughter Brooke's coming home from Mount Hoyer. I always thought the two of you would hit it off.
- Bette Porter: [on the phone to Phyllis] Phyllis... Yeah, I can't wait to get started... I will see you on campus on Monday.