Metalocalypse (TV Series)

Dethkomedy (2006)

Brendon Small: Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles the Drummer, Nathan Explosion, Charles Foster Ofdensen

Quotes 

• Toki Wartooth : So what you're saying is we do the opposite of bleak and dark.

  Nathan Explosion : Yeah.

  Toki Wartooth : What's the opposite of tragedy?

  Nathan Explosion : COMEDDDDYY!

• Nathan Explosion : [Bodybag routine]  Well hey Bodybag, how's it going? 'Smells like somebody took a crap on me!' Aww, Bodybag.

• Prosecutor : [Dethklok are in court for alleged "subliminal messages" on their latest album]  The lyrics clearly state, "Go into the water. Go into the water. Live there, die there." And my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this underwater album by your band, Dethklok!

  Pickles the Drummer : [smugly]  Why don't *you*... go breathe underwater?

  [the courtroom erupts in laughter] 

  Prosecutor : I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

  William Murderface : Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo licker!

  [the courtroom continues their guffaws] 

  Prosecutor : This band is a danger to the human race!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : "You's" a danger of putting us to-a sleep! I woulda broughts a sleepings bag, I know this guys was gonna show up!

  Prosecutor : Your Honor, we "demand" $50 million for medical bills and punitive damages.

  Toki Wartooth : Hey... how 'bout we compromise?

  Nathan Explosion : We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

  Charles Foster Ofdensen : The album clearly states, "Intended for fish only." I rest... my case.

  Judge : Not guilty!

  [bangs gavel] 

• Nathan Explosion : [backstage before the big comedy show]  All right, everyone do a crappy job. Remember to hate yourselves.

  Toki Wartooth , William Murderface : Oh, yeah!

  Pickles the Drummer : Well, I *really* hate myself.

  Toki Wartooth : Pickle! You back! We think you leave for good!

  Pickles the Drummer : Bombing onstage really screwed me up. I can't even play my douchebag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.

  Lorkey the Sailor : Ah, you know there's only one way to fix that. You gotta get back up there.

  Pickles the Drummer : But I can't do...

  Lorkey the Sailor : But what?

  Pickles the Drummer : [fearfully]  The audience!

  Lorkey the Sailor : Aye... the audience. Now gather 'round, all y'all. I've been talkin' a lot about hatred. But there's something bigger out there. Something you should hate even more than anything. And that's the audience!

  [Pickles smiles] 

• Nathan Explosion : [from offstage]  And now, please welcome to the stage... PICKLLLLLLLLESSSS!

  Pickles the Drummer : [seemingly scared witless]  So... anysways... I just got back from vacation. And, uh... I went to the beach... for vacation. And you know what I got at the beach?

  [he reaches into his back pocket] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Sand!

  [he throws a handful of sand into the eyes of the heckler who booed him offstage at the small comedy club] 

  Heckler : Aaaahhh! My eyes! I can't see!

  [the audience roars with laughter] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Okay. All right, so I donated blood the other day. Not mine.

  [the audience laughs again] 

  Pickles the Drummer : You guys wanna see me donate some blood to *you*? Huh? Do ya? Okay!

  [he reaches under the stage curtain, pulls out a fire hose, and blasts the audience with a stream of blood] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Woo-hoo! Wa-hoo-hoo!

  Heckler : Ahhh!

  [the heckler gets blasted out of his seat] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo, yeah!

  Lorkey the Sailor : [Lorkey is watching from backstage]  Eh, can't teach 'em no more.

  [he pulls out a pistol and shoots himself in the head] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Woo, yeah!

  [he brings out a hunting rifle and starts shooting wildly over the heads of the audience] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah!

  [he stops and aims the rifle at the front row] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Uh-oh! I thought this was the NRA!

  [the audience laughs and applauds] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Any of you dildoes wanna fight? Huh?

  [he sees the old woman who heckled him at the small comedy club] 

  Pickles the Drummer : What about you, grandma? Huh?

  [she looks terrified] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Aw... I'm just messin' with ya!

• Toki Wartooth : How about we compromise?

  Nathan Explosion : We'll give you half... of nothing!

• Nathan Explosion : Well look Bodybag. It's your old friends Brains.

  [holds up a brain] 

  Nathan Explosion : 'Hi, I'm Brains, I go in your head!'

• Announcer : Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time onstage! The Brothers... of Deception.

  [scattered applause] 

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [Skwisgaar and Toki walk onstage, guitars in hand]  So... I was thinking of killing myself.

  Toki Wartooth : That's funny. I was thinking of killing you, too.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Well... how do you like that?

  [he peels off a lightning-fast riff on his guitar; the audience just stares] 

  Toki Wartooth : Mom always hated you most.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : She hates both of us the most.

  Toki Wartooth : [Toki plays a single chord and his guitar strap breaks; the audience stares again] 

  [whispering to Skwisgaar] 

  Toki Wartooth : I hate you... seriously.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [whispering]  Okay.

• Pickles the Drummer : [obviously ill at ease onstage]  Okay. We are going to delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Okay. And all we need to get started is, ah - one location.

  Heckler : How 'bout a different comedy club!

  [the audience laughs] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Okay! I heard, uh, "gas station."

  William Murderface : I'm a gas station attendant.

  Pickles the Drummer : [sitting on a stool, miming driving a car]  Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is midnight blue with chrome rims...

  Heckler : Hey, Pippi Long-boring! You suck!

  [the audience laughs] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Could ya fill it up just a little bit faster?

  William Murderface : Well, I'm trying. I just can't seem to find the fucking gas tank!

  Pickles the Drummer : [breaking character]  That's 'cause it's a stool, Murderface!

  Heckler : Hey, idiot! Don't negate the premise!

  [the audience laughs] 

  Pickles the Drummer : [back in character and visibly nervous]  It's on - on your - it's over - there - wherever... please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place.

  William Murderface : [fed up with the act]  Eh, I should check the oil. I gotta go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave. This sucks.

  [he walks offstage] 

  William Murderface : Good luck dyin' out there.

  Pickles the Drummer : [desparately trying to keep the act together]  Are you leaving?

  William Murderface : [from offstage]  Yes, I'm leaving!

  Heckler : Hey, ugly! What are ya just sittin' there for? Make us laugh!

  [the audience's "boos," heckling, and chants of "Get off the stage!" blend into each other; Pickles is sweating and frozen with fear. He finally falls off his stool, tangled up in his mic cord. He starts hyperventilating] 

  Pickles the Drummer : [whispering]  Help me! Help...

• Lorkey the Sailor : 'Tain't no difference, if ye ask me.

  Toki Wartooth : But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...

  Lorkey the Sailor : Comedy is about expressing your hate! The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sittin' at them tables'll think you are!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : But I bomb, and I hates everyt'ing.

  Lorkey the Sailor : Aye! But do ye hate yourself?

  Toki Wartooth : Hate... myself?

  Lorkey the Sailor : Ah, yes, 'specially now, eh? Bombing onstage, and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails went running away! 'Twill take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.

  Toki Wartooth : [suddenly realizing Lorkey's point]  I hate myself!

  Lorkey the Sailor : Yeah, now yer gettin' it! And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world! And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them! And you will kill. YOU WILL KILL!

• Nathan Explosion : We will give you half... OF NOTHING!

• Toki Wartooth : Well, we wins that one.

  Nathan Explosion : Whatever.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : You'd prefer that we lose?

  Nathan Explosion : No, just thinkin' about the next album.

  Pickles the Drummer : Oh, right, you mean how're we supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.

  Nathan Explosion : Exactly.

• William Murderface : Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah, we can't really get writer's credit for something like that.

  William Murderface : Good point.

• Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [the band is drinking heavily after their disastrous comedy routine]  The best metal band of all time, and we gets boos off the stage! Pfft.

  William Murderface : Eh, they just didn't get us. Whatever.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : They'll laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us?

  Toki Wartooth : That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : He is horribles, Toki! He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.

  Toki Wartooth : But *you* laugh.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : I did.

  William Murderface : Yeah, he was pretty good.

  Nathan Explosion : [sick of the bickering]  HE WAS GREAT!

  Toki Wartooth : Eh, maybe we do better tomorrow.

  Pickles the Drummer : [completely wasted on booze]  Are you kiddin' me? I DIED up there! It was brutal! And I ain't never goin' back up there again, 'cause I ain't funny... and neither are any of you. I'm dark and brutal and filled with hatred. I ain't got no sense of humor. You wanna do comedy? Do it without me. I'm leaving.

  [he walks out]