- Loretta Haggers: [waiting at the police station] You know, I feel a song formin' in my head. Oh, it is so strange how the mind works during a crisis. Now listen to how this sounds so far. "Mydaughter is missing, my husband is too / Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what am I to do?"
- George Shumway: Loretta, this is no time to sing a song!
- Loretta Haggers: Country and Western music is not just for the happy times. You know, one of my best songs I ever wrote was about a kidney transplant. This girl...
- George Shumway: [interrupts, looks heavenward] Saints, will you preserve me?
- Loretta Haggers: See, she got a kidney from her lover. And that's why I called the song "I've Got Part of You Under My Skin."
- Cathy Shumway: Maybe you should try TM. It's supposed to help you think straight.
- Mary Hartman: What is that, a laxative?
- Cathy Shumway: No, TM, Transcendental Meditation.
- Mary Hartman: Is it over-the-counter? What is it?
- Cathy Shumway: Not medication, meditation! It's a way of shutting off your mind.
- Mary Hartman: Well, if you shut off your mind then you can't think at all.
- Cathy Shumway: [exasperated] Mary, I don't know. I just heard about it. I never tried it.
- Blanche Fedders: I am talking about an atmosphere. A permissive atmosphere, with TV showing all those filthy programs! And I know Heather watches television; all the kids do it!
- Martha Shumway: But what station shows pornographic movies?
- Blanche Fedders: All of them.
- Martha Shumway: "The Waltons" isn't dirty.
- Blanche Fedders: What about Cher?
- Martha Shumway: She looks clean to me.
- Blanche Fedders: That navel? That naked navel? Can you imagine the ideas that puts into people's heads? We ought to protest the television stations!
- Martha Shumway: Why, television is getting cleaner every year now with this "family hour" business and all.
- Blanche Fedders: Television isn't getting cleaner. It's getting filthier. Nothing's sacred anymore. Nothing.
- Martha Shumway: Blanche, now what are you talking about?
- Blanche Fedders: Mary Tyler Moore isn't a virgin.
- Fanny: Would you like to go to a matinee and see "Deep Throat"?
- Raymond Larkin: Oh, I can't. We're in the middle of a family crisis.
- Fanny: Oh, well, that's when you should go out and have a good time! And maybe when you come back, well, all your troubles will be over. I mean, why be dreary when you can be cheery?
- Raymond Larkin: Well, you got a point there.
- George Shumway: Just what are you tryin' to tell me, Tom?
- Tom Hartman: It was just one of those things.
- George Shumway: Don't try to sing yourself outta this one!