Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip, Snake-Eyes, Coach, Principal

Quotes 

• Announcer : Knight Rider Wants A Ferrari will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following unenviable piece of trash.

• Ross Ewich : [to the cast]  Now, ya know that this show is about jealousy. Okay, the producers want ya to set a good example for the kids watching out there. One more thing: Christine...

  Ross Ewich : [handing Christine a check]  ... that's that raise that you asked for.

• Alasdair Gillis : [standing before the firing squad]  I know why you're gonna shoot me.

  El Capitano : You do?

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah. You're gonna shoot me because you're jealous of me.

  El Capitano : [laughs]  Me jealous of you?

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah, you're jealous of me because I'm so good-looking.

  El Capitano : What? With all those freckles? Don't make me laugh. Hey, amigos...

  [laughs] 

  Alasdair Gillis : Okay, you're jealous of me because you're over the hill and I'm young and healthy and got my whole life ahead of me.

  El Capitano : Not for long.

• Principal : As you know, Lisa, you have been sent here to detention because you copied from Marjorie's exam; therefore, I want you to write "I will not copy from others' exams" nine thousand times.

  Lisa Ruddy : But, sir, I did it for a very important reason. You see, if I hadn't copied Marjorie, I would have failed, and then Marjorie would have gotten a much better mark than me and I would have been so jealous that I'd like to take out revenge on her. I would have put gum on her seat, I would have eaten her lunch, and I would have flushed her books down the toilet. Sir, don't you think that a little harmless copying is a lot better than all those terrible thing? I mean, do you really think that I have to write out "I will not copy other people's exams?"

  Principal : Yes, I do think you must write out "I will not copy from other's exams" AND "I desperately need a brain transplant" TEN thousand times.

  Lisa Ruddy : Sir, you think that I need a brain transplant ten thousand times? I mean, isn't that a lot a surgery?

• Lisa Ruddy : [in detention]  Sir, how come I have to copy out of the dictionary and Alasdair is sitting there copying out of Playboy Magazine?

  Principal : Because he was caught cheating in sex education class.

• Mr. Schidtler : Class, I hope that, uh, you won't be TOO jealous of Marjorie. You see, she's the only one that got a A on this test.

  Lisa Ruddy : Jealous? I'm thrilled. I copied half her... answers.

  Mr. Schidtler : Well, Lisa, you should have copied ALL her answers, because you got the test half wrong.

• Mr. Schidtler : ...and so, class, as you go out into that world, I want you to remember this: There's nothing more important than having more than the other guy. No item is too small that you can't be jealous of; no person is too nice that you can't despise if he has more than you do. Enviness is next to godliness, so go out into that world and be vicious.

• Coach : All right! I'm tellin' you what is wreckin' this football team! JEALOUSY! You guys are jealous of the opposing quarterback 'cause he throws such neat passes, you're jealous of the defense 'cause they throw such bone-shattering tackles...

  Alasdair Gillis : Oh, and don't forget the other team's coach 'cause he knows what he's doing.

  Coach : YEAH! - and the other team's coach 'cause he knows what he's do... Come back here you little...

  [Alasdair flees into a locker and promptly disappears] 

• Doug Ptolemy : Were you ever jealous about Mom?

  Lance Prevort : Jealous? Oh, you bet your life I was. I can remember lots of times when I'd phone to ask for a date and she couldn't go out with me 'cause she was going out with Frank Jones.

  Valerie Prevort : Oh, I bet you were so jealous of Frank, honey.

  Lance Prevort : No-no-no-no-no, I was jealous of you. I wanted to go out with Frank. We used to go bowlin' all the time.

  Lance Prevort : [to Doug]  The only time I ever phoned your mother was to see if Frank was there.

  Lance Prevort : [to Valerie]  I couldn't believe that he would wanna go out on a date with you instead of goin' bowlin' with me! I was never so insulted.

• Marjorie Silcoff : Oh, I went to that new burger place yesterday, and I've never been so sick in my life. Buns - they were all green and moldy. The burgers tasted like fried garbage. i spent the entire night throwing up. That was the worst dump I've ever been in in my life.

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, not so loud, Marjorie. This might make Barth jealous. You know how he is.

  Barth Baggs : [coming up from behind the partician, picking his nose]  Dyah, I heard that!

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been a Green With Envy Production.

  Announcer : [to Ross off camera]  You know, I use to envy my married friends that had children. Not anymore. Not since I've been workin' THIS show. WHY, Ross, do they have to have kids on a kids' show?