- Announcer: Knight Rider Wants A Ferrari will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following unenviable piece of trash.
- Ross Ewich: [to the cast] Now, ya know that this show is about jealousy. Okay, the producers want ya to set a good example for the kids watching out there. One more thing: Christine...
- Ross Ewich: [handing Christine a check] ... that's that raise that you asked for.
- Alasdair Gillis: [standing before the firing squad] I know why you're gonna shoot me.
- El Capitano: You do?
- Alasdair Gillis: Yeah. You're gonna shoot me because you're jealous of me.
- El Capitano: [laughs] Me jealous of you?
- Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, you're jealous of me because I'm so good-looking.
- El Capitano: What? With all those freckles? Don't make me laugh. Hey, amigos...
- [laughs]
- Alasdair Gillis: Okay, you're jealous of me because you're over the hill and I'm young and healthy and got my whole life ahead of me.
- El Capitano: Not for long.
- Principal: As you know, Lisa, you have been sent here to detention because you copied from Marjorie's exam; therefore, I want you to write "I will not copy from others' exams" nine thousand times.
- Lisa Ruddy: But, sir, I did it for a very important reason. You see, if I hadn't copied Marjorie, I would have failed, and then Marjorie would have gotten a much better mark than me and I would have been so jealous that I'd like to take out revenge on her. I would have put gum on her seat, I would have eaten her lunch, and I would have flushed her books down the toilet. Sir, don't you think that a little harmless copying is a lot better than all those terrible thing? I mean, do you really think that I have to write out "I will not copy other people's exams?"
- Principal: Yes, I do think you must write out "I will not copy from other's exams" AND "I desperately need a brain transplant" TEN thousand times.
- Lisa Ruddy: Sir, you think that I need a brain transplant ten thousand times? I mean, isn't that a lot a surgery?
- Doug Ptolemy: [at the arcade] Boy, am I ever jealous of Alasdair.
- Lisa Ruddy: Why? Dougie, he never washes, he's got no friends, and he's failing school all because he spends so much time at video games.
- Doug Ptolemy: I know, but he's destroying ten million aliens on one quarter.
- Lisa Ruddy: [in detention] Sir, how come I have to copy out of the dictionary and Alasdair is sitting there copying out of Playboy Magazine?
- Principal: Because he was caught cheating in sex education class.
- Christine McGlade: Well, that's about it for today's show. Hope we didn't make you jealous of all the fun we've been having.
- Lisa Ruddy: I'm jealous of all the people who got to watch something else.
- Christine McGlade: You know, jealousy is not a nice topic. Not nice at all.
- Lisa Ruddy: Christine, um, I just wanna say that none of us are really jealous of you.
- Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, that's right. You see, we were just pretending to be jealous of you 'cause that's what the script said.
- Christine McGlade: Thank you.
- Lisa Ruddy: I mean, Christine, why would any of us be jealous of you? I mean, what have you got for us to be jealous of?
- Alasdair Gillis: Exactly. I mean, you got no problems. Nobody's gonna be jealous of you.
- Christine McGlade: Come on, you guys. Not even a little tiny bit jealous?
- Marjorie Silcoff: No.
- Lisa Ruddy: No.
- Alasdair Gillis: No.
- Christine McGlade: Come on, there MUST be something about me that you're a little jealous of? I mean, you know, my talent?
- Lisa Ruddy: No.
- Christine McGlade: Well, okay, my good looks.
- Doug Ptolemy: Oh, certainly not.
- Christine McGlade: Okay. My intelligence.
- Alasdair Gillis: Uh...
- Lisa Ruddy: No.
- Christine McGlade: Okay, listen, you can't deny my charm!
- Lisa Ruddy: I can.
- Marjorie Silcoff: I can.
- Doug Ptolemy: I can.
- Christine McGlade: [as the others get up and leave] Well... Well, you know... my shoes?
- Doug Ptolemy: Goodbye, Christine.
- Christine McGlade: Oh, come on. My taste. My... I'M TALLER THAN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
- Mr. Schidtler: Class, I hope that, uh, you won't be TOO jealous of Marjorie. You see, she's the only one that got a A on this test.
- Lisa Ruddy: Jealous? I'm thrilled. I copied half her... answers.
- Mr. Schidtler: Well, Lisa, you should have copied ALL her answers, because you got the test half wrong.
- Marjorie Silcoff: How come I'VE got to stay and wash the dishes when Alasdair gets to watch TV just because he's a boy?
- Valerie Prevort: Being a boy has nothing to do with it, Marjorie. The last time Alasdair tried to wash dishes he accidently broke one. You're just better at it.
- [Marjorie thinks about this for a moment then deliberately drops a dish and goblet, breaking them]
- Marjorie Silcoff: Oh, dear. I broke a couple of dishes. Oh, I guess I'm just gonna have to go and watch TV now.
- Valerie Prevort: Actually, Marjorie, I think it would be better if you went up on the roof and fixed the television antenna so that Alasdair could get better reception.
- Marjorie Silcoff: Why don't you make HIM do it?
- Valerie Prevort: Well, the last time Alasdair climbed up on the roof to fix the television antenna, he accidentally broke his arm.
- Christine McGlade: Uh... happy.
- Alasdair Gillis: Sad.
- Christine McGlade: Hate.
- Alasdair Gillis: Love.
- Christine McGlade: Funny.
- Alasdair Gillis: This show.
- Christine McGlade: [laughing together] That was a good one. Hey, what's the opposite of envy?
- Alasdair Gillis: [signs] I never thought about it. I don't know. Maybe...
- [bucket of slime befalls Alasdair]
- Alasdair Gillis: Okay, smarty, what IS the opposite of envy?
- Christine McGlade: Who cares. It was a great way to introduce the opposite skits.
- Alasdair Gillis: Says who?
- Christine McGlade: [in a little voice] Ahh, me.
- Mr. Schidtler: ...and so, class, as you go out into that world, I want you to remember this: There's nothing more important than having more than the other guy. No item is too small that you can't be jealous of; no person is too nice that you can't despise if he has more than you do. Enviness is next to godliness, so go out into that world and be vicious.
- Coach: All right! I'm tellin' you what is wreckin' this football team! JEALOUSY! You guys are jealous of the opposing quarterback 'cause he throws such neat passes, you're jealous of the defense 'cause they throw such bone-shattering tackles...
- Alasdair Gillis: Oh, and don't forget the other team's coach 'cause he knows what he's doing.
- Coach: YEAH! - and the other team's coach 'cause he knows what he's do... Come back here you little...
- [Alasdair flees into a locker and promptly disappears]
- Alasdair Gillis: [running up to the front desk] Hey, hey, hey, Miss, have you got a fire down below?
- Librarian: "A Fire Down Below?"
- Alasdair Gillis: Yeah.
- Librarian: [checking through her rolodex] "A Fire Down Below." "A Fire Down..."
- Alasdair Gillis: What're you doing?
- Librarian: [as smoke begins to fill the room] I'm checking to see if we have "A Fire Down Below." Ah, here it is. No, we don't. Yes, we do! It's out.
- Alasdair Gillis: Miss, if it's out, where's all this smoke coming from?
- Lisa Ruddy: I realized some things. I've put it in perspective. Christine, around here you're a big deal, but if you look at the entertainment business as a whole, you're nothin' important. I mean, take all the kids who do sit-coms like The Facts of Life or Gimme a Break. Like, compared to them, you're just an insignificant piece of dust. Christine, why would I want to be jealous of you when I can be jealous of someone really important, not some dork who's sitting here, Moosie, like you.
- Doug Ptolemy: Were you ever jealous about Mom?
- Lance Prevort: Jealous? Oh, you bet your life I was. I can remember lots of times when I'd phone to ask for a date and she couldn't go out with me 'cause she was going out with Frank Jones.
- Valerie Prevort: Oh, I bet you were so jealous of Frank, honey.
- Lance Prevort: No-no-no-no-no, I was jealous of you. I wanted to go out with Frank. We used to go bowlin' all the time.
- Lance Prevort: [to Doug] The only time I ever phoned your mother was to see if Frank was there.
- Lance Prevort: [to Valerie] I couldn't believe that he would wanna go out on a date with you instead of goin' bowlin' with me! I was never so insulted.
- Marjorie Silcoff: Oh, I went to that new burger place yesterday, and I've never been so sick in my life. Buns - they were all green and moldy. The burgers tasted like fried garbage. i spent the entire night throwing up. That was the worst dump I've ever been in in my life.
- Alasdair Gillis: Well, not so loud, Marjorie. This might make Barth jealous. You know how he is.
- Barth Baggs: [coming up from behind the partician, picking his nose] Dyah, I heard that!