Psych (TV Series)

Poker? I Barely Know Her (2007)

James Roday Rodriguez: Shawn Spencer

Quotes 

• [Henry has shown up unexpectedly at Shawn's office] 

  Henry Spencer : So this is how you spend your days.

  Shawn Spencer : Oh my God! Dad, what are you doing here?

  Henry Spencer : Nice. Is that the way you greet all the people who come through your door?

  Shawn Spencer : That's exactly how I greet everyone. Maybe that's why business is down.

• Brandon Peterson : I screwed up on my own, I'm going to face him on my own.

  Shawn Spencer : That's very Cameron Frye of you.

  Brandon Peterson : Cameron who?

  Shawn Spencer : Wow, are we that much older than you?

• [Lassiter's surprise birthday party] 

  Carlton Lassiter : Why are these people at my house?

  Juliet O'Hara : [confused]  They're your friends.

  Carlton Lassiter : No, they're not.

  Juliet O'Hara : Yeah, they are. I got them out of your address book.

  Carlton Lassiter : You took my book?

  Juliet O'Hara : Yes. I admit it, I opened your desk. I didn't want to load you up with a bunch of work people, so I just invited the ones with stars by their names.

  Carlton Lassiter : [angrily]  These are all people I put in jail! The stars are repeat offenders.

  Karen Vick : You keep a little black book of people you've arrested?

  Carlton Lassiter : Of course I do.

  Shawn Spencer : Why?

  Carlton Lassiter : To drive by and check on them.

  [Lassiter storms into the house] 

  Juliet O'Hara : Oh, um... Carlton, where are you going?

  Carlton Lassiter : To pack.

  Juliet O'Hara : Why?

  Carlton Lassiter : Because now they know where I live!

• J.P. Berger : If you were psychic, I wouldn't be cleaning your clock right now.

  Shawn Spencer : Cleaning my clock? What does that mean, Berger? What, you'd take time out of your day to clean another man's timepiece, and if so, that would be a bad thing? No, I would be gracious. I would say, "J.P., dude, thanks for spritzing my watch."

• Shawn Spencer : Gus, Henry vouched for me.

  Henry Spencer : I did not vouch for you.

  Shawn Spencer : You were bragging on me. You have a Dad-crush on me.

  Henry Spencer : Shawn, I was not bragging on you! I merely restated stats about your track record that are in the newspaper.

  Shawn Spencer : Let's hug it out.

  Henry Spencer : Put your arms down.

  Shawn Spencer : Give me a hug.

• Shawn Spencer : Look, here's some brutal truth. We're the reason you're not in jail, or worse. Your Dad's done. It took someone cashing in a very old favor to get us involved at all, and you're not going to be able to play your way out of this hole, baby boy. So pack it in, pull the plug, shut it down, leave the dead meat in the freezer, and put on your Sunday best, cause it's Arbor Day, baby!

• Henry Spencer : What about your licence?

  Shawn Spencer : My pilot's licence? Out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my licence to kill? Revoked. Problems at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my licence to kill has been revoked!

• Henry Spencer : Are you going to invite me in?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Oh, yeah. Please--

  Shawn Spencer : Whoa! This could be a trick. What's the rule with vampires? Don't they have to be invited in?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : What are you talking about, Shawn?

  Shawn Spencer : Gus, you've seen "Lost Boys" fourteen times. What's the rule?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : You're on your own, Shawn.

• Shawn Spencer : But my arms are slenderer. Slenderer?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : What?

  Shawn Spencer : Slenderer...?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Skinnnier?

  Shawn Spencer : Yes!

• Shawn Spencer : [about Gus's online poker account]  You're BigKitty75?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Yeah, as in "the kitty". You know, the pot.

  Shawn Spencer : The kitty?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Yeah. Seventy-five.

  Shawn Spencer : Seventy-four other big kitties came before you?

• Shawn Spencer : Wait! Wait, wait wait. The chips demand we stop the game.

  Berger : What the hell is going on here?

  Shawn Spencer : [holding a chip against each ear]  Shh... I can't hear them if you're talking, Berger. What? Really? Are you guys sure about this?

  [Shawn looks up] 

  Shawn Spencer : Chips say you're a cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : This seems like a case for the police. Here, let me get you a number...

  Shawn Spencer : Gus, don't be a gooey chocolate chip cookie.

• Henry Spencer : Well, well. Don't you look like hell.

  Shawn Spencer : I know I look like hell, Dad. Everyone who gets up at this hour looks like hell, with the possible exception of Matt Laurer and Diane Lane.

• Henry Spencer : If I had known that Peterson was going to insist on hiring you, I would have blasted your character outright, and I would have mentioned your unnatural fear of pointy things.

  Shawn Spencer : Ah! *Distaste* for pointy things.

• Henry Spencer : [about Shawn's office]  Is this all there is?

  Shawn Spencer : Actually, this is the satellite office. Main headquarters is in an underground ice cave Gus and I sculpted last winter.

  Henry Spencer : What about your license?

  Shawn Spencer : My pilot's license? It's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked - problems at the Kazakhstan border. I'd give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you... which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

• Shawn Spencer : Ay yi yi, action. Action in my fannypack.