Family Guy (TV Series)

McStroke (2008)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Meowsy McDermott, Tom Tucker, Lucas Scott, Wimpy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [on Peter's new mustache]  I think it's handsome.

  Brian Griffin : I think it's gay.

  Peter Griffin : Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay.

  Brian Griffin : Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!

  Peter Griffin : He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.

• Stewie Griffin : [after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school]  Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.

  Brian Griffin : Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?

  Brian Griffin : Ah, I've heard about that place.

  Stewie Griffin : Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.

  Brian Griffin : Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.

• Peter Griffin : [Looking for a remedy, Peter limps along the street with half his body sagging after a stroke and comes across a stem cell lab with a sign reading "walk-ins welcome". Peter limps inside and some time later, Peter walks out 100% again, asking the guard]  How long was I in there?

  Guard : About five minutes.

  Peter Griffin : [astounded]  Why are we not funding this?

• Peter Griffin : [Peter and Brian are inside a slaughterhouse]  My God! What is this?

  Brian Griffin : This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.

  The Cow : Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow.

  Peter Griffin : DaCow?

  The Cow : DaCow. Except we spell the chau part C-O-W, like cow. So it's kind of, uh... eh, sort of a dark joke.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's, that's really funny.

• Peter Griffin : Black guy mail!

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, black people are different than you and I. And me, I find that hilarious.

• Chris Griffin : [to Peter]  I imagine you're gonna be much more of a stern father now that you have a mustache.

  Peter Griffin : Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been, and I might answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones.

• Connie D'Amico : Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in.

  Stewie Griffin : I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.

• Stewie Griffin : My name is Zac Sawyer. I just transferred here from Rich Expensive Car-Driving Sex-Having High School.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, have you seen Brian?

  Peter Griffin : [muffled voice]  No, Lois. I have not.

  Lois Griffin : Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I...

  [looks at Peter's face] 

  Lois Griffin : What is that on your head?

  [Peter turns around to reveal Brian duct-taped to his face] 

  Peter Griffin : It's a mustache, Lois! What? You never seen a mustache before?

  Brian Griffin : Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?

  Peter Griffin : Quiet, mustache!

  Lois Griffin : Oh my God, Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down!

  Peter Griffin : No! I'm not living my life without a mustache! Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo-gas.

  [Brian farts] 

  Peter Griffin : Mustache fart.

• Stewie Griffin : So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see them on my MySpace page, along with my favorite songs and movies, and things that other people have created, but that I use to express my individualism.

• Stewie Griffin : [comes in the school to the popular kids]  Hey, hey, what's up Lucas?

  [Lucas just looks at Stewie form a brief moment then turns away] 

  Stewie Griffin : What the hell's your problem? Hey, Logan, what's going on?

  [Logan also looks at Stewie then turns away as well] 

  Stewie Griffin : [confused]  What the hell is going on here?

  Donna : [smiles teasingly]  Nothing, baby penis!

  [the kids suddenly laugh at Stewie] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, yes, I have a baby...

  [now realizes this] 

  Stewie Griffin : [lowly]  Ohhhhh...

  [now act childishly] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis! I think they're messy!

  [Stewie angrily walks up to Connie] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you've affectively ended my reign of coolness, haven't you? You're a disgrace, you know that?

  Connie D'Amico : Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis.

  Stewie Griffin : [sighs]  You know, Connie, look, you're right. I behaved like a fool, and I apologize. But before I go, could I maybe have one last kiss.

  Connie D'Amico : [goes uneasy]  Well, I guess so.

  [Connie leans down to Stewie and closes her eyes to kiss him, but without warning, Stewie vengefully begins to get out of his disguise and strip himself naked before grabbing Connie's face and kiss her by force] 

  Stewie Griffin : LOOK! This girl is making out with a baby--a NUDE baby!

  [Many high schoolers rush over and gasp in shock seeing this, two policeman immediately place Connie under arrest] 

  Connie D'Amico : [shouts and gets taken away]  Hey!

  [the high schoolers then look at Stewie and realize the truth] 

  Stewie Griffin : [proudly]  That's right, to hell with you all! I am who I am!

  [And with that, Stewie sashays to the door with many shocked studetns staring at him] 

• Peter Griffin : Religion.

  Robin Williams : Oh - religion. You kill me, I kill you we both go to heaven.

  [ululates] 

  Robin Williams : 72 virgins. You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so because MR HAPPY GETS TIRED! Religion.

  Peter Griffin : [sighs]  Uuhh... politics.

  Robin Williams : Ho, politics. Well we're gonna come down there and take all your oil - but this is our oil - YEE-HA! Well here's my missile - okay take it, take it! Politics.

  Peter Griffin : Ehh, you know what, I'm gonna take a 5 minute break.

  Robin Williams : Ho - five minute break! What are you a construction worker?

  [wolf whistles] 

  Robin Williams : Hey baby I'm not gay - does this yellow hat make my ass look fat? Five minute break.