- Steven Kaplan: [describing a piece of bread in great detail] It appeals to the sight, it appeals to the sound, you you feel it cracking...
- Conan O'Brien: How many restaurants have you been thrown out of recently?
- [audience laughter]
- Conan O'Brien: I'm just curious, the guy comes, brings you the bread, you're poking and prodding and mounting and thrusting, and rolling around...
- [audience cheers]
- Steven Kaplan: No no, I bring my own bread. I don't trust 'em.
- Conan O'Brien: You bring your own bread?
- Steven Kaplan: Yes, I have my bread in my briefcase, if the bread is a piece of shit as it normally is.
- Conan O'Brien: Hey hey hey hey! What the hell is going on tonight? Keith, Keith Olbermann is showing dirty cards, you're raping bread, this is crazy!
- Steven Kaplan: [going to spit out the bread he sampled] In the great taxonomy of things, there are swallowers, and there are spitters.
- [audience laughs/cheers]
- Conan O'Brien: [uncomfortably] I guess that would make me a swallower. If this segment airs tonight, I'll be very surprised.
- [laughs]
- Conan O'Brien: Oh God... wow.
- [holding up Steven's book]
- Conan O'Brien: The book LOOKS innocent enough! Wouldn't look like it would need a brown wrapper over it.
- Steven Kaplan: A fruit of considerable labor.
- Conan O'Brien: Yes.
- Steven Kaplan: Another sexual image.
- Conan O'Brien: Uh, wha, what?
- Steven Kaplan: Labor, going into labor.
- Conan O'Brien: Oh my God, okay, if you keep going, I'm trying to get us out of here before the cops show up.
- Steven Kaplan: [tasting bread with Conan] This is a good piece of bread. No?
- Conan O'Brien: [indifferently] It's, it's good bread.
- Steven Kaplan: How, how much good bread have you eaten?
- Conan O'Brien: I eat bread, I go out and eat bread.
- Steven Kaplan: Yeah, Wonder Bread, I imagine.
- Conan O'Brien: Hey!
- [audience boos]
- Conan O'Brien: Suddenly, you don't like Wonder Bread, huh? What's wrong with Wonder Bread?
- Steven Kaplan: It's tasteless, it's insipid, it's without any interest, it has no crust, it has a crumb that's charged with chemicals, why else should I like it?
- Conan O'Brien: Is Wonder Bread ever a sponsor on this show, Jeff? It IS? Leave my show! You're insulting some of the best bread ever made.