The Invention of Lying (2009)
Ricky Gervais: Mark Bellison
Photos
Quotes
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Anna McDoogles : I was just masturbating.
Mark Bellison : That makes me think of your vagina.
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Mark Bellison : If you could make the world the way you wanted it to be, what would you do? If you could change anything, if you could do anything, what's the first thing you'd do?
Richard Bellison : If I could do anything?
Jim the Bartender : Anything at all?
Mark Bellison : Anything at all.
Richard Bellison : I would touch girls' boobs.
Jim the Bartender : Yes.
Richard Bellison : And maybe have sex with them too.
Jim the Bartender : Oh agreed, that too.
Mark Bellison : Okay, let's try that.
[He gets up]
Richard Bellison : Where you going?
Mark Bellison : Out.
[He exists the bar, and looks around. He sees many unattractive women, before a good-looking one walks past. He walks up to her]
Blonde : Don't look at me, I'm not attracted to you.
Mark Bellison : No listen...
Blonde : Don't bother, I've heard it all before.
Mark Bellison : The world's gonna end unless we have sex right now!
Blonde : [She turns around, worried] Do we have time to get to a motel, or do we need to do it right here?
Mark Bellison : Motel.
Blonde : [In the motel] Help me get me dress off.
Mark Bellison : No no, wait wait, let's get to know each-other first.
Blonde : No, we have to have sex! The world is going to end!
Mark Bellison : But I don't even know your name.
Blonde : Think of the children! Think of the little babies!
Mark Bellison : Let's have a drink. You look like a... ten dollars for beer? That is...
Blonde : Don't you understand? We are all going to die!
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Mark Bellison : [calling Anna] Hi, this is Mark.
Anna McDoogles : Oh, hi Mark. Didn't you get my email?
Mark Bellison : The one about being not good enough for you?
Anna McDoogles : That's the one.
Mark Bellison : Yeah, got that. Cheers.
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Martha Bellison : I'm so scared, Mark. People don't talk about it, but death is a horrible thing. One minute, you're alive, and then just like that, it's all gone. This is it, Mark. Few more hours like this and then an eternity of nothingness. I'm so... I'm so frightened.
Mark Bellison : Oh, Mum. Mum, listen to me. Listen carefully. You're wrong about what happens after you die. It's not an eternity of nothingness.
Martha Bellison : Huh?
Mark Bellison : You go to your favourite place in the whole world. Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved and who's ever loved you will be there. And you'll be young again. You'll run and jump like you used to and dance. You used to dance. There's no pain. Just love. Happiness. And everyone gets a mansion. And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum. Say hello to Dad for me. Tell him I love him.
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Greg : This is the most amazing night of my entire life.
Mark Bellison : Think how amazing if you didn't smell of vomit.
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Anna McDoogles : [with an epiphany] I've finally decided what I want!
Mark Bellison : [expecting the worst] And what is that?
Anna McDoogles : I want short fat kids with snub noses!
Mark Bellison : I'm your man.
[Mark smiles; they kiss]
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Mark Bellison : I did a bad thing...
Anna McDoogles : It's okay, you get three!
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Brad Kessler : Shelley thinks you're an overweight homosexual.
Shelley : I didn't say that!
Mark Bellison : [relieved] Oh.
Shelley : No, I said you were a fat faggot.
Brad Kessler : [to Shelley] I stand corrected.
Mark Bellison : To think I was upset by "overweight homosexual".
Shelley : A fatty fat faggy fag...
Brad Kessler : [to Mark] Oh, well. It doesn't matter. Because either way you're a dumpy little queer.
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Mark Bellison : [arriving at nursing home] Martha Bellison, I'm her son.
Receptionist : Ooh, it's good you're here. She's not doing well. You should say your final good byes today.
Mark Bellison : Yeah. Someone says that to me every time I come here.
Receptionist : She's at the top of our death pool.
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[first lines]
Mark Bellison : [narrating] Testing. Testing. Testing over the credits. The credits that no one cares about.
[under his breathe]
Mark Bellison : "Ooh, we're the business people. Ooh, we want our credit before the film starts, 'cause..."
Mark Bellison : Anyway. The story you're about to see takes place in a world where the human race has never evolved the ability to tell a lie. This is a typical town in that world. As you can see, people have jobs and cars and houses and families, but everyone tells the absolute truth. There's no such thing as deceit or flattery or fiction. People say exactly what they think. And sometimes that can come across as a bit harsh. But they've got no choice in the matter. It's their nature.
Man : [on the phone] Look, I'm not coming in to work today. No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there.
Woman : Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat.
Woman at Restaurant : [sitting down] Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops of my whole life. What are you ordering?
