Monk (TV Series)
Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees (2007)
Jason Gray-Stanford: Lieutenant Randy Disher
Quotes
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Disher has a printed off copy of the case breaking photo and a disk]
Lt. Randall Disher : Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
[Stottlemeyer looks at the photo, and comments to Sherman]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Ah. You and your friend take a very *nice*, very *incriminating* picture.
Lt. Randall Disher : Oh, I put it on a mug, too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What for?
Lt. Randall Disher : Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much."
[takes an imaginary sip from the mug]
Lt. Randall Disher : "Mmmm, *guilty*."
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
Lt. Randall Disher : [reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger : Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk : Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Maybe...
Lovely Rita : [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [wryly] Thank you.
Lovely Rita : Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher : Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
Lovely Rita : That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher : Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger : Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers?
[pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
Lovely Rita : Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk : What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher : This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
Lovely Rita : *Alleged* knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook. Was the wife insured?
Adrian Monk : No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : So where's your motive?
Lovely Rita : Wake up!
[scoots her chair over]
Lovely Rita : You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
Adrian Monk : He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he was thinking about was the rug.
Lovely Rita : You're cute.
Adrian Monk : No, I'm not.
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Lt. Randall Disher : This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
Lovely Rita : Alleged knife fight, alleged. I love that word.
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Randy, they're two blurs! Even for blurs, they're blurry. Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Randall Disher : Well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher : But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher : Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that you can't tell who or what they are!
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Randall Disher : No, it will rub off.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [attempts to rub the marker off the television monitor] I don't think so.
[Randy makes another unsuccessful attempt at rubbing the marker off]
Lt. Randall Disher : Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. *Flat*.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : You're worse than Monk.
[walks out of the room]