Nikki Cox: Tiffany Malloy

Quotes 

• Jennie Malloy : [consoling]  Now, now, sweetheart, what would you like to do for your birthday? How about a slumber party?

  Tiffany Malloy : Eww, Mom, no! Slumber parties are for little girls and old women who want to relive the feeling of being little girls. They think it's all cute to put on pajamas and get the hags together to share popcorn and bitterness.

  Jennie Malloy : Ooh, it sounds fabulous, can I come?

  Tiffany Malloy : [giving up on Mom]  Daddy, Daddy, do something to make it better, Daddy! Daddy, you've always been able to make it better, make it better, tell me something good about getting old, Daddy, Daddy?

• Jennie Malloy : Happy birthday, honey!

  Tiffany Malloy : [in black widow mourning outfit]  Mother, what is to celebrate, huh? I am twenty. Twenty! It ends in 'ty' not 'teen.' From here on in, it is just twenty, thirty, forty, obesity, senility, Dan Haggerty...

  [voice breaks] 

  Ryan Malloy : C'mon, Sis, turning twenty is cool, you can vote now.

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh, Ryan, I've been able to vote for two years now.

  Ryan Malloy : Girls can vote? Oh, boy, what's happening to America?

  [flees off up the stairs] 

• Tiffany Malloy : What are all these high taxes about, huh? How about a few more tax write-offs for the people who deserve 'em?

  [on an odd crusade:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : The people in the entertainment industry. Those men and women bring joy into our lives via the blessed television set day in, day out.

  [catches herself] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, that was weird. That was like somebody was putting words into my mouth, you know, like a writer or something.

  Jennie Malloy : I get that sometimes.

  Tiffany Malloy : Mm. Probably just the senility because I'm getting old. When did you know you're old, Mom?

  Jennie Malloy : Just now.

• Tiffany Malloy : [waking up to her girly alarm clock]  My birthday. Every year on my birthday, I wake up, I stretch, and I go

  [jumps up and down on bed repeatedly] 

  Tiffany Malloy : wheee, wheee, it's my birthday, it's my birthday! Every year on my birthday I jump up and down and up and down and up and down and... it's really getting stupid. Why do I feel like such an idiot doing this? Oh, my God, it's because I'm twenty! Twenty! I will never be a teenager again.

  [morosely:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : The beginning of the end. Somebody start carving a tombstone. It's all over for the Tiffer. We... we... are not young anymore. I'm an adult. We! I'm going back to bed.

  [entire family rushes in, cheering "Happy birthday!"] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Drop dead!

  [pulls the pillow over her head] 

• Tiffany Malloy : Hey, Mom, look at this! I got the perfect birthday present. A credit card with my name on it, wow!

  [rethinks it] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Wait a second, if I'm responsible enough to have a credit card, it means I'm old!

  Jennie Malloy : [teasing]  Ha-ha-ha-haa-ha, you're a responsible adult, you're a responsible adult!

  [they both laugh merrily] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hey, Mom, this came for you.

  [hands over letter] 

  Tiffany Malloy : It's from the AARP, the old people's association.

  Jennie Malloy : No! It can't be! I'm young! I am!

  Tiffany Malloy : [rising from the couch]  Responsible adult.

  [disdainfully:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Responsible, ptoeey! I'll show them! I'll act like a real American adult and I'll max this baby out in one day.

• Ryan Malloy : [upon entering and seeing Tiffany's chic new room furnishings]  Holy Hepburn!

  Tiffany Malloy : Now this is more age-appropriate, don't you think? I have my fainting couch,

  [pretending to swoon backwards onto the lounge] 

  Tiffany Malloy : my etchings, and of course, my picture of Matt Damon, like all little old ladies have by their bed.

  Ryan Malloy : You've thrown all your stuff away, haven't you? Yet I didn't throw my blanket out after I had smallpox. Either time.

  Tiffany Malloy : You know, Ryan, you are so lucky to be a guy. Girls have to mature and throw away their toys, but guys are so immature that they never have to change a thing. Their wardrobe is the same two pair of pants and pile of old T-shirts they'll be throwing on the floor till they're fifty. An old guy is just a young guy that sags.

  Ryan Malloy : So, what you're saying is, girls are stupid, huh?

  Tiffany Malloy : [pointedly:]  No, Ryan. I'm saying that girls grow up. Girls change during their lives and boys never do.

  Ryan Malloy : Oh, that's stupid. Changing is stupid, ergo, girls are stupid.

  Jack Malloy : [entering, hunched over, staggering under the weight of a large piece of European-looking furniture carried on his back]  Where do you want this dresser?

  Tiffany Malloy : It's a credenza, Daddy.

  Jack Malloy : [stoically]  Where do you want this credenza?

  Tiffany Malloy : Let's try it over there.

  [Jack suffers laboriously to comply] 

  Tiffany Malloy : No, you know, let's try it over here.

  Jack Malloy : [out of breath]  What do you say we just leave it here and move the house?

  Tiffany Malloy : What do you say you try being funny with the credenza over there, hey, Daddy?

• Tiffany Malloy : [to her stuffed toys, as she boxes them]  Bye, Fluffy. Goodbye, Henry Bear, whom I got when I was ten and said we'd be together always. You were my first dancing partner.

  [giggles fondly] 

  Tiffany Malloy : And goodbye Honey Bunny, who taught me how to kiss.

  [spreads out his large floppy ears] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, c'mon, don't look at me like that, all right? I'm gonna miss you too. Which is why I'm gonna keep you around, because I know I willl need you when I'm thirty-five.

  [giggles] 

  Tiffany Malloy : You're gonna live with my Daddy now.