The Hangover (2009)
Ed Helms: Stu
Photos
Quotes
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Stu Price : She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan Garner : I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
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Alan Garner : Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck : Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price : I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Wenneck : Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner : One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price : You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner : Thank you.
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Alan Garner : [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings : I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner : Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price : It's also illegal.
Alan Garner : It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck : I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner : Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
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Stu Price : [playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
[stops suddenly]
Stu Price : well then we're shit out of luck.
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Melissa : Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu Price : 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa : That's not what *you* do.
Stu Price : Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa : That is not how this works!
Stu Price : Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa : Oh, really? Since when?
Stu Price : Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
Alan Garner : You told me it was a bartender.
Stu Price : Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
Melissa : You're an idiot!
Stu Price : You're a - You...
[struggles]
Stu Price : You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
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Mike Tyson : By the way man, where you get that cop car from?
Stu Price : We uh, stole it from these dumbass cops.
Mike Tyson : *Nice*!
[laughing]
Mike Tyson : *Nice*! High five there!... That's nice!
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Melissa : I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price : They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil Wenneck : [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu Price : I should go.
Melissa : That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
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Phil Wenneck : Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price : Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner : Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
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Stu Price : You are a fucking moron!
Alan Garner : Your language is offensive.
Stu Price : Fuck you!
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Stu Price : That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow : What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price : No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan Garner : The Doug we're looking for is a white.
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[last lines]
Doug Billings : We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price : I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck : Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner : Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings : Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck : Deal!
Stu Price : Deal.
Alan Garner : OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu Price : Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner : That's classic!
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Alan Garner : Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil Wenneck : Who cares, man.
Alan Garner : Do you know Stu?
Stu Price : I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner : But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price : No I don't think so.
Alan Garner : But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.
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[In the wedding]
Alan Garner : How's my hair?
Stu Price : That's good.
Alan Garner : It's cool like Phil's?
Stu Price : It's classic Phil.
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Black Doug : It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
Stu Price : No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.
Black Doug : Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
Alan Garner : Or how 'bout rapies?
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Stu Price : We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
Alan Garner : I think the cop car part's pretty cool.
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Stu Price : Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner : That's highly unlikely.
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Stu Price : Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
Phil Wenneck : He'll be fine. I cracked a window.
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Phil Wenneck : [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu Price : What's it look like?
Phil Wenneck : If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug Billings : She's not that bad.
Phil Wenneck : Doug, she beats him!
Stu Price : That was once, and I was out of line.
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Stu Price : Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
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Stu Price : Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck : Obviously because we had a great fucking time.
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Stu Price : [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.
Alan Garner : Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?
Phil Wenneck : No, I'm not cool with that.
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Doug Billings : Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner : Oh, really?
Doug Billings : It's not easy.
Alan Garner : Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.
Stu Price : What?
Alan Garner : He was a retard.
Doug Billings : [pronounces properly] *RE*tard.
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Stu Price : So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner : What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price : You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner : Coffee Bean.
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Stu Price : Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner : Yes.
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Phil Wenneck : Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price : Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck : It's not our baby.
Alan Garner : Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
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Stu Price : I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
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Stu Price : We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck : [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
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Stu Price : You found the car?
Officer Franklin : Yeah! It was parked in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. with a note that said "Couldn't find a meter, so here's $4."
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Stu Price : [about the cops after releasing them early] Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!
[calmly]
Stu Price : I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?
Phil Wenneck : No.
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Stu Price : This does not seem fair.
Phil Wenneck : It's rock-paper-scissors. There's nothin' more fair.
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Stu Price : [while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak] Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.
Alan Garner : Tigers *love* pepper. They hate cinnamon.
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Stu Price : I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
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Stu Price : You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner : I think he's mean.
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Stu Price : By the way, we're all gonna die.
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Phil Wenneck : What the fuck happened last night?
Stu Price : Hey Phil, am I missing a tooth?
Phil Wenneck : I can't-
[laughs]
Stu Price : Oh my god! My lateral incisors, it's gone!
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Alan Garner : Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price : Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck : Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner : Are you okay?
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Stu Price : That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.
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Doug Billings : All good with Melissa?
Stu Price : Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck : Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price : Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck : Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price : Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck : And you believe that?
Stu Price : Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
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Stu Price : I'll tell you another thing - 6 to 1 odds our car is beat to shit.
Phil Wenneck : Come on Stu.
Stu Price : No seriously how much you want to bet it's fucked up beyond all recognition?
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Stu Price : They are mature, you just have to get to know them better...
