- Lucifer Morningstar: Look, I know you two are useless when it comes to women. But Daniel, you surely should have some sort of self-help mumbo jumbo advice for me.
- Dan Espinoza: You want my advice?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Sadly, yes.
- Chloe Decker: [Referring to the victim] Okay, Ella, what do we have?
- Ella Lopez: BlueBallz.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You, too?
- Ella Lopez: No. Blue Ballz, with a "Z".
- Chloe Decker: We're not... normal.
- Lucifer Morningstar: No.
- Chloe Decker: We... we're us. And we're... incredible.
- Amenadiel: It's Linda that's the problem. She just handed me the baby and left.
- Dan Espinoza: Well, what'd you do?
- Amenadiel: I just said what you said. That it's okay that she gets it wrong all the time, and it's perfectly natural that she's so clueless because no one ever...
- [Realizes what he just said]
- Amenadiel: Oh. Okay. Right, I... I see what happened there
- Lucifer Morningstar: I must admit, he may be the one DJ who has even a modicum of talent. But then again, his ludicrous name negates that. I mean, "Karnal"? Really? Must everything be about sex?
- Linda Martin: [Charlie is crying] You're welcome to stay, but it's kind of loud.
- Mazikeen: Pain and suffering. Music to my ears.
- Chloe Decker: Uh, Linda, I'm not quite sure why Maze called you. But like I told you, this is a sting.
- Linda Martin: Oh, I thought you said "vodka".
- Linda Martin: Sex with Lucifer is the last thing you should be worried about. What you should be worried about is that he's unfathomably narcissistic, utterly terrified of intimacy, and sabotages everything good that ever happens to him. So essentially, he's the oldest, most immature person in the world. Nay, "universe".
- Chloe Decker: Ladies, let me remind you that there is a killer here.
- Linda Martin: As long as that killer doesn't cry, spit up, or wet themselves, I am in.
- Belinda Roberts: [Tracking rattlesnakes] Do you know how long I have been waiting for copulation?
- Lucifer Morningstar: You and me both.
- Belinda Roberts: Clearly, you're not aware of how rare sound recordings of rattlesnake sex are?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, it's not my strong suit, no.
- Lucifer Morningstar: This whole relationship nonsense... How am I supposed to know what she's thinking?
- Dan Espinoza: That's man's eternal question, bro.
- Pete Daily: Breaking news, local journalist gets cute girl's phone number.
- Ella Lopez: Ah, jeez, for Pete's sake.
- [Smiles]
- Ella Lopez: See what I did there?
- Chloe Decker: Sleeping with the Devil, it must be different somehow, right?
- Linda Martin: Well, it's not like he has a forked penis or anything.
- Chloe Decker: Oh, he doesn't?
- Ella Lopez: Oh, my God, Maze. I know what you're doing, okay? And pretending to be me is stupid. I... I am clearly no role model. I'm just a magnet for losers.
- [Points to the sketchy guy she had just been making out with]
- Bad Boy: Bitch
- Ella Lopez: See?
- Ella Lopez: Oh, you're nervous that you won't measure up in bed. I mean, he is pretty experienced. I mean, I'd put it, like, in the thousands, probably.
- [Chloe makes a face]
- Ella Lopez: But you know what, you got this. You totally got this. You're sexy.
- Chloe Decker: That actually hadn't crossed my mind.
- Ella Lopez: Oh, you're waiting on an STD check! Super smart.
- Chloe Decker: Hey, what's with all the gift baskets?
- Jed Carnal: They're from my fans. They found out my place blew up, and they've been sending me stuff from all around the world. It's crazy how devoted they are.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Devoted to you? Yes, that is crazy.
- Dan Espinoza: The guy's perfect. He makes me feel so bad about myself, you know? And I kind of already do that enough on my own.
- Amenadiel: What are you talking about? You're a great guy.
- [Dan scoffs]
- Amenadiel: Hey. Great cop, great dad. And your hair, it's so high.
- Jed Carnal: In hindsight... that's when the relationship was at its best.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Better without sex? Not relatable.
- Ella Lopez: The current travels through the wire and into his skin. Now, you add sea air and his sweat, perfect combo for maximum voltage.
- [Gasps]
- Ella Lopez: Oh! That'd be a sick DJ name.
- Lucifer Morningstar: All DJs are sick, if you ask me.
- Dan Espinoza: [about Jed] I swear, there's a part of Chloe that will never get over his stupid chiseled face.
- [Off Lucifer's look]
- Dan Espinoza: Sorry, man.
- Lucifer Morningstar: There's no need to apologize. The detective had a child with you, and I've never felt the slightest bit threatened.
- [Looks at Jed]
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're right. He does have a stupid face.
- Amenadiel: [Charlie is crying incessantly] If you're going to stay... You have any ideas how to stop this?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Have you tried whiskey?
- Chloe Decker: Electrocuting a colleague? Blowing up his own studio? No one would go that far just to be near me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I did go to Hell and back for you, twice, but who's counting?
- Jed Carnal: It's scary seeing another DJ die. Makes you realize life's short.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Some not short enough.
- Dan Espinoza: Chloe's putting on a show over at Lux to draw out the killer with you as the headliner.
- Jed Carnal: Wait, then shouldn't I be there?
- Belinda Roberts: His song, "Otter Vox", relies heavily on my otter sex recordings, and I have not been compensated
- Chloe Decker: Jed, meet Lucifer.
- Lucifer Morningstar: "Jed"?
- Jed Carnal: Yeah, it's my real name. What's yours?
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Scoffs]