- A Pimp Named Slickback: This is my state-of-the-art surveillance center.
- Tom Dubois: Why does a pimp need a surveillance center?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Included in your retainer fee is state-of-the-art bitch surveillance. Quiet Storm, here, has been monitoring your wife's conversations and emails.
- Quiet Storm: Daddy, I've got transcripts of all the conversations today. No mention of Usher. I'm hacking into her email now, but this computer is running a bit slow. Perhaps if we didn't have dial-up...
- A Pimp Named Slickback: [Slaps Quiet Storm with a magazine] Bitch, don't start with that "we need another computer" shit again! You say that shit every time a new iMac comes out. You ain't Slick, you better make that G4 work, bitch, and stop playin' with me!
- Quiet Storm: Yes, daddy.
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Did you know that at least 75% of bitches suffer from some kind of hearing loss? This alarming statistic means that, more likely than not, talking is not the most effective way to communicate with a bitch. That's when you have to hit her.
- Tom Dubois: Whoa, what?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: You tell her what you want her to do. If she say no, hit the bitch! Simple.
- Tom Dubois: But I couldn't hit Sarah. I couldn't hit *any* woman.
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Has *not* hitting the bitch been working? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hitting the bitch achieved the desired result?
- Tom Dubois: No way! I just, I can't, I couldn't, I won't!
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, take a deep breath. It's okay, people have phobias. Some niggas can't cross bridges, you can't go upside a bitch's head. Okay, we can beat this.
- Tom Dubois: What was your name again?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Well, thank you for asking. My name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
- Tom Dubois: Wait, a pimp?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing if you would? Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.
- Tom Dubois: Look, Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback...
- A Pimp Named Slickback: No need for the "Mr."
- Tom Dubois: I don't think I need any help from someone like you.
- A Pimp Named Slickback: And by "someone like me," you mean a pimp? A bad guy?
- Tom Dubois: Now, look, I'm not trying to insult you. I just don't approve of what you people do to women.
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Oh, so I'm wrong, so I'm messed up. Well, which one of us is missing a bitch, Tom? You don't see *me* running around looking for a bitch. I know where all my bitches are, thank you very much.
- [makes a phone call]
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Bitch, where you at?
- Bitch 242: I'm out here gettin' yo money.
- A Pimp Named Slickback: That's what the hell I thought. Thank you, Gramma.
- Riley Freeman: If you lost your ho to T.I., I'd be like, "Eh, that's T.I." But Usher? You better check that ho, Mr. DuBois.
- Riley Freeman: [laughs at Tom] Usher? That dick is *my* age!
- Tom Dubois: So, you guys don't think I'm overreacting?
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I don't think so. You a big-time lawyer, and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher?
- Huey Freeman: Not *an* usher. Usher, he's a singer.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Ushers ain't supposed to sing. You can't hear the movie!
- Tom Dubois: And so, sweetie, that's why Daddy is staying over at the Freeman's house. So Mommy can have her space.
- Jazmine Dubois: So you're not getting a divorce?
- Tom Dubois: Oh, no, sweetie.
- Jazmine Dubois: So, Usher *won't* be my new daddy?
- Tom Dubois: What? No, that's ridiculous!
- Jazmine Dubois: Oh, are you sure? Maybe just for a *little* while? I mean, you like it here, don't you, Daddy? This is, uh, a pretty good sized room.
- Tom Dubois: Uh, what's going on, guys?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Mr. Dubois, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback, sir, and this is an intervention.
- Tom Dubois: An intervention?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic Bitch Dependency, Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?
- Tom Dubois: Is this some kind of joke?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It's a disease, Tom.
- Sarah Dubois: I don't think one more glass of wine will kill you.
- Tom Dubois: No, but driving under the influence of alcohol could kill me or you, or somebody's baby. Worse yet, I'd spend the next 20 years in jail being...
- Sarah Dubois, Tom Dubois: anally raped.
- Sarah Dubois: Yeah, let's talk more about your violated rectum. Oh, I find it so romantic.
- Sarah Dubois: I have seen all of your movies.
- Usher Raymond: Really? Even "Light it Up"?
- Sarah Dubois: I loved "Light it Up". I named my dog "Light it Up".
- Usher Raymond: Girl, please. My mama wouldn't even see "Light it Up".
- Riley Freeman: But Grandad, she did make Mr. DuBois look like a bitch.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Yeah, we all know she made Tom look like a bitch, but find a different way to say it.
- Riley Freeman: Booooo. Hey Tom, shut the f*** up.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy, watch your mouth. Tom, shut the f*** up.
- Tom Dubois: Do I have to call her a bitch? Really?
- A Pimp Named Slickback: Yes, Tom. You have to call her a bitch. Trust me on this one. I've done the research.