Portal (2007 Video Game)

Ellen McLain: GLaDOS, Turrets, Curiosity Core, Intelligence Core, Self - Commentary

Quotes 

• GLaDOS : The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot talk. In the event that it does talk The Enrichment Centre asks you to ignore its advice.

• GLaDOS : Look, you're wasting your time. And, believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste. What's your point, anyway? *Survival?* Well, then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned and permanently backed-up in case something terrible happens to you, which it's just about to. Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on:

  Strange voice : Hellooooooooo!

  GLaDOS : That's you! That's how dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee! Where did your life go so wrong?

• [after supposedly being killed by the protaganist, GLaDOS begins documenting the entire incident, the events of the game, in an offical report that she sings] 

  GLaDOS : This was a triumph! I'm making a note here: Huge Success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science - we do what we must because we can. For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead. But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. And the science gets done. And you make a neat gun. For the people who are still alive. I'm not even angry. I'm being most sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart and killed me. And tore me to pieces. And threw every piece into a fire. As they burned, it hurt because I was so happy for you. Now these points of data make a beautiful line. And we're out of beta; we're releasing on time. So I'm GLaD I got burned. Think of all the things we learned. For the people who are still alive. Go ahead and leave me. I think I prefer to stay inside. Maybe you'll find someone else to help you. Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke - Ha Ha! Fat Chance! Anyway, this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist. Look at me still talking when there's science to do. When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you. I've experiments to run. There is research to be done. On the people who are still alive. And, believe me, I'm still alive! I'm doing science and I'm still alive! I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive! While you're dying, I'll be still alive! And when you're dead, I will be still alive! Still Alive! Still Alive...

• GLaDOS : That thing you burned up isn't important to me; it's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It makes shoes for orphans... nice job breaking it, hero.

• GlaDOS : Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.

• GLaDOS : Have I lied to you?

  [pause] 

  GLaDOS : ... I mean, in this room?

• GlaDOS : Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye" and you were like

  GlaDOS : [in a deep male voice]  "No way!"

  GlaDOS : [normal voice]  And then I was all "We pretended we were going to murder you?" That was great!

• GLaDOS : We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position, or you will miss the party.

• GLaDOS : [the character has just destroyed part of GLaDOS]  You think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is...

  [sparking and fizzling noise] 

  GLaDOS : Ten. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE!

• Curiosity Sphere : Who are you? What is that? Oh, What's that? What's THAT? What is THAT?

• GLaDOS : There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come, either, because you don't have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: "Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall NOT be mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny, too.

• GLaDOS : Your entire life has been a mathematical error... a mathematical error I'm about to correct!

• GLaDOS : You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator?

• GLaDOS : Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far... is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen.

• GLaDOS : Good news. I figured what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.

• GLaDOS : Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test.

• GlaDOS : Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!

• GLaDOS : While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.

• GLaDOS : At the end of the experiment, you will be baked

  [rapidly] 

  GLaDOS : and then there will be

  [resume normal speed] 

  GLaDOS : cake.

• Talking Toilet : [When you flush it]  Your business is appreciated!

• GLaDOS : This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this. I'm not kidding, now! Turn back, or I *will* kill you! I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone! You don't even care, do you? This is your last chance!

• GlaDOS : Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grid, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth.

• GlaDOS : Unbelievable. You, *subject name here,* must be the pride of *subject hometown here.*

• Curiosity Sphere : Ooooh, that thing has numbers on it.

• Curiosity Sphere : Oh, hey! You're the lady from the test. Hi!

• GLaDOS : Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously, now.

• GLaDOS : Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death.

• GlaDOS : This is your fault. I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone. You don't even care, do you?

• GlaDOS : Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested.

• Curiosity Sphere : Where are we going? Are you coming back? What's that noise? Is that a gun? Do you smell something burning? Ooooohh... what's in heeeere?

• GLaDOS : As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact: The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in *subject hometown here.*

• GLaDOS : [the player is carrying a sphere that fell from GLaDOS]  Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? WELL I WON'T LET YOU! How does that feel?

• GLaDOS : The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

• GLaDOS : When I said "deadly neurotoxin," the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all... to *me*. You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny.

• GLaDOS : Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise. I've never seen it before! Never mind, it's a mystery I'll solve later... by myself, because you'll be dead.

• GLaDOS : Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the next test is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes and wishes you the best of luck.

• GLaDOS : Let's be honest. Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner and I'll deal with it later.

• GLaDOS : Look: we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it.

• GLaDOS : [on completion of the live fire course]  Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

• GLaDOS : That thing is probably some sort of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.

• GLaDOS : This isn't brave. It's murder.

• GLaDOS : Congratulations, the test is now over.

  [while sending Chell to a fire pit via moving platform] 

  GLaDOS : All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees kelvin. Rest assured, that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!

• GlaDOS : You are not a good person. You know that, right? Good people don't get up here.

• Curiosity Sphere : Hey, look at that thing. No, that other thing!

• GLaDOS : Area and state regulations do not allow the Companion Cube to remain here, alone and companionless.

• GLaDOS : The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance: the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.

• GLaDOS : There really was a cake...

• GLaDOS : As part of a required Enrichment Center protocol, the previous statement that we would not monitor the test area was a complete fabrication. We will stop enhancing the truth in three... two... *zzzt*

• GLaDOS : Thank you for helping us to help you help us all.